


To find my way back

by Darkprincessdreams



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Healing, Hurt Isak Valtersen, M/M, Post-Break Up, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-25 06:13:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12029865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkprincessdreams/pseuds/Darkprincessdreams
Summary: Sometimes you get lost along the way. Sometimes life all feels like it’s too much. Sometimes you think you messed up so bad that there’s no way back. But what if there was a way out? What if it only meant that you had to take a chance on life? Would you take it? Or would let yourself fall?Isak is lost, but his friends are there to catch him.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Just a small introduction: I wrote this story having just started university and having moved on campus in a small room feeling nothing but lonely and out of place. So yes this story is going to be angsty and sad, but it will also have it's happier moments. It's mostly a story about healing and finding your way when everything feels wrong. Hope you want to at least give it a chance to follow me into this adventure.
> 
> Sorry in advance for any mistakes that I've made.

Isak felt heavy, so heavy. His body was like a rock falling into the deeps of the sea, into the black nothingness where the most terrifying unknown creatures lived.

He was scared, so scared. He felt the dark figures surrounding him, brushing against his skin sending shivers down his spine.

He was hurting, hurting so much. The creatures around him were eating his insides, tearing his whole body apart until he felt like screaming.

And he was tired, so so tired. Everything felt like too much. The slightest sound made his ears ring; the slightest touch made his skin burn; the slightest light made his eyes squint. He just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, to give in to the nothingness and silence and stay there forever.

But even in his sleep did his nightmares follow him. Every time he closed his eyes it was as if he could see his pain with his bare eyes. He was overwhelmed by his darkness and he just couldn't take it. At this point he didn't know if he preferred being awake or asleep. He didn't know where to put himself. He didn't know how to feel alright again. He didn't know how to heal. Or he knew, just didn't want to admit it.

There was one thing in the world he knew could save him from even the darkest places. One thing he wished for at every moment of his life, but didn't let himself have.

_One thing... a someone... a special someone._

He couldn't let himself want that. He couldn't dream of being held by that someone, because that someone had moved on, had found a better life without him and he didn't want to be a burden, couldn't stand to be one in any way. Nonetheless, he knew that that someone could save him. Just being held in these arms would ease the pain. Isak just knew it would. That someone was just that good.

_Even..._

Isak could call him in the situation where he hadn’t changed his phone number in all those years, which Isak had no idea of. He would come running, Isak knew that much, but did he really want that? Did he really want Even to leave everything he had behind for him? He wasn't sure. Desperate time did call for desperate measures, but taking Even's happiness was selfish no matter what the time was.

Even had moved one, they didn't talk anymore and he probably didn't even think of Isak anymore. So why bother him? Because he felt hurt beyond repair? That might be a good reason. After all they had said to each other when they broke up that if they needed anything they could and even should reach out. And honestly, Isak, just like Even, would like to help if he knew that the other was in that much pain.

Isak knew that, but he also knew that Even finally had his life together. He had finally found meds that work for his bipolar disorder, minimising the episodes to almost nothing. He had a job in film Production Company where he could study film in the real world instead of in a classroom where he was bored and felt like he was suffocating more than learning. He also had a new boyfriend. Isak only knew because a guy at work was friend with the guy Even now dated. Without knowing Even was Isak's ex he had showed him a picture of his friend with his new boyfriend. Isak had acted like nothing had happened, but he had been breaking inside.

Yes when they had broken up he knew and even expected each of them to get into knew relationships but he also expected himself to be in a completely different position. And to realise that he was living hell and that Even had found happiness without him hurt. Not because Isak wasn't happy for Even, he was, really, but part of him also hoped Even would have come back and save him just like he had when he was in high school. That as long as he wasn't happy Even wouldn't be because they work together as deal not as two separate people with two separate lives.

It was stupid, but Isak couldn't help it. All he had known for the past years had been Even so it was normal that he would go back to him particularly if he was hurting. Even was his safe place after all.

So Even was happy and he wasn't, then to bad so sad for him. Even deserved the world and he had got it. Isak wasn't worth the world. He was a shitty human being who was jealous of his ex who had found better than him which wasn't that hard when he thought about it. Half the world was better than him. He deserved everything he got. He didn't merit help if it meant destroying the life of another. Because calling Even would mean pulling him into the mess Isak was in. And even as selfish as he was, he knew he would never forgive himself for taking away Even's happiness, Even who had been so good to him. No he couldn't break him.

And anyways, Even had moved one which means he wouldn't care in what state Isak was, right? Well he would if he learned it, but since he lived so far away and didn't talk to Isak anymore, probably didn't even think about him, he would never know. He would never be hurt by Isak. If he could spare Even the pain then Isak would. He owed him that at least.

So Isak let his body fall on the bed, too heavy to be carried any longer, and let the tears fall. He let the pain submerge him and drowned in it. He let himself hurt until numbness took over, until nothing mattered anymore, until he was closed off from the entire world around him. He didn't feel at peace, but it was the best he could do to preserve himself at the moment and that had to be enough at least for now. At least until it would really feel like too much...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only the prologue, but I will put the first chapter sometime tomorrow when I'm done re-reading it for the thousand time.  
> Hope you still like the prologue. If you feel like it, it would be very appreciated if you could give it a quick thought in the comments. I love feedback, bad or good. Just remember that I'm a human with feelings.  
> Alt er love!


	2. The beggining of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is remembering how everything started while his friends tries to keep him steady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who gave the prologue a chance :) Here's the real start of this adventure.

Isak woke up after what felt like an eternity, but he still felt as tired as when he had fallen asleep. He tried to determine the time or the day at first until he realised he didn't really cared that much. He just let himself drown back into his sheets even though they felt rough around his skin. His senses were waking up and he didn't like it much.

In the last few days, he had shifted from sleep to sleep not really eating, barely getting up to go to the bathroom. Every time he tried to get up he just felt so heavy he couldn't even move a muscle sometimes. Everything felt unsteady, as the world was about to crash around him, his body with it. The more he tried to push himself to do stuff, the more his body ached and the more pain was flooding back into his chest. So instead, he just let himself be dragged back to sleep every time, hoping for the nightmares to stay put this time. Unfortunately, his demons were never too far.

_______________

_"Can you please put your books down for one night?" Even asked as he threw himself on the bed next to Isak._

_"I have to study if I don't want to fail Even. The competition is so strong and not only do I have to pass, but I need to score high if I don't want to be thrown out of my program." Isak answered not looking up from his books._

_Even sighed. "Isak. You are going to do just fine. It's not one night that's going to ruin your whole carrier."_

_"You don't know that. Maybe I'm going to read something tonight that will give me extra point in my exam."_

_Even sighed with annoyance again. Since Isak wasn't going to move any sooner, then he would have to level up. Even approached him from behind and started kissing his neck slowly._

_"Even" Isak warned_

_"Come to bed with me. Please."_

_Isak let out a slight moan of protest, but continued to work, so Even started sneaking his hand through Isak's shirt, moving his hands lightly on his back, touching his boyfriend where he knew he couldn't resist. Isak's head fell on his books._

And it's a win.

_"Even, I have to study." Isak retorted_

_"No you don't. You've been studying every night since the beginning of the semester."_

_"You're exaggerating"_

_"Not even a little. Come on, I know you want to." Even said as he started sucking a mark on Isak's neck._

_"What I want and what I need are two different things"_

_"Not in this case. You want and need to take a break to love your handsome boyfriend." Even muffled into the younger’s neck._

_"My handsome boyfriend?" Isak asked laughing_

_"Yes handsome, isn't what I am?"_

_"You're pretentious, that's what you are." Isak laughed again_

_But Even didn't care, because then Isak turned around just enough to press his lips against the other men's. And god was there anything better than that. Even deepened the kiss, not wasting any time, turning Isak around a little more to have better access. Isak let him, moaning into Even's mouth. The older man then pushed Isak's book on the floor, making more space to spread his boyfriend on the bed and touch him everywhere he could. Isak revealed under his boyfriend touch, feeling his body fill with love and want for the other men. The truth is Isak really had needed a break, especially to kiss his beautiful boyfriend. Since they both had started university they had spent very less time together and maybe it was a little Isak's fault, but still, he had missed Even. So whatever the older men wanted he was going to have and take, even if he knew the marks Even was now making down his neck was going to be source of embarrassment the next day. It felt so good he didn't care a bit._

_"Isak?" Even asked pulling away slightly, whispering into his ear softly._

_"Mmmh?"_

_"You know I love you right?"_

_"I know, and I love you back even more."_

_"You know I'd follow you anywhere I could." He said again, this time sounding sad_

_Isak pulled back a little to take Even's face between his hands, searching his eyes before answering._

_"Ya I know. I know because I'd do the very same for you. I'd do anything you ever ask me."_

_Even smiled faintly._

_"I know I've been distant lately with all that school stuff, but I'm still here Even and I'm never leaving you."_

_"I know."_

_"Then stop worrying, okay?" Isak said, looking deep into Even's eyes_

_"You have beautiful eyes, did I ever told you that?"_

_"What does that have to do with you worrying?"_

_"Nothing, you just have beautiful eyes." Said Even getting back to kissing Isak's lips._

_"Mmmh, way of changing the subject." Isak muffled into the kiss_

_"We can talk later. I have other plans right now"_

_"Ya of course you do" Isak said laughing slightly as Even lift his shirt up._

_The younger boy let his boyfriend take care of him. He knew Even had something on his mind he wanted to talk about, Isak knew him enough for that, but he couldn't force it out of Even. If he wanted to talk he would. For now, with Even's hand on him like that, he couldn't think into it too much. He couldn't think period. So he let himself go entirely to the pleasure of Even's body against his. For now they were okay and that's all that mattered._

_But Even’s words never left Isak and the tension of that conversation never left them._

______________

Isak was pulled out of his sleep by voices coming from somewhere close. He couldn't recognise them but he knew they were talking about him.

"How is he doing?"

"Ugh... Not too well. He has barely woken up."

"I know. He did the same during my round. Only woke once to go to the bathroom and he didn't even seem to have notice me."

"God I hate this."

"I do too. I should have been there earlier, call you earlier and everything. Maybe it wouldn’t be that worst."

"Don't blame yourself. Nobody can predict stuff like that. People hide very well behind their pain scared of what the world will think of them and honestly part of that is our fault. We treat pain and sadness with so much fear and hate that we don't realise that we cause more harm than good."

"You seem to know what you're talking about."

"You are forgetting I've been there myself more than once. I had lots of time to think it through. Isak pushed us away and decided against reaching out to people like you and me. I'm the first one to blame myself for leaving him without ever looking back. Everything was so good I didn't even think of checking out on him. I should have called him. As for you, there's nothing more you could have done. You found him when he needed to be found. That is all we will ever ask from you."

"Maybe, but I still believe I could've done much more."

"I know, I wish I had done more too..."

Isak then felt a light touch on his hand sending electricity in his entire body. The touch was careful and caring. It held loved and fondness. There was only one touch that could have such an effect on Isak; only one person in the world that had such a healing touch that it could put him back in pieces in seconds. But it also was the last person he wanted to see at the moment, because if he was really there, if Isak's mind wasn't playing tricks on him, that meant he had failed. It meant that the very last person he wanted to pull into his mess was already pulled in. And as Isak felt his hand being taken into big soft owns and brought to someone's face, he knew he really had messed things up because there were also tears running down his fragile hand. It just made him hate himself a little more, if that was even possible.

_Even_

Even who had been anything but kind and honest to him. Even who was all innocent in this blamed himself. Nothing was worst than that. In that moment, Isak really wished he was dead. But he couldn't do anything else right now than listening to the sound of the man of his life's pain as he drifts back into unconsciousness.

___________________

_Isak was late, very late. He knew Even would be angry with him. They were supposed to meet an hour ago at a cafe near university, but Isak had been cut up into his studying with his other classmates and had forgotten the time. He knew it wasn't an excuse and that Even would have the right to be mad at him. He still hoped Even would understand, but the things is, it wasn't the first time Isak was late or the first time he cancelled planned like this by not showing up. Even was a very forgiving person, but Isak knew he would hit his limits at some point and he was scared to death that it would be today._

_As he approached the street of the cafe they were supposed to meet to, Isak stopped at the corner peaking around the wall. Even was there alone looking sad and exhausted. Never in the world did Isak felt worst. How could he be the absolute worst horrible shitty boyfriend to the sweetest man on earth? He had the most handsome person by his side and all he knew to do was to let him down time and time again. He didn’t understand it himself._

_Isak let his body fall on the ground, his back to the wall, sighting. He knew he had no right to be sad considering he was far from being the victim right now, but he couldn't help it. He was scared, disappointed and angry at himself and if he felt like this then he couldn't even imagine how Even must be feeling at the moment sitting alone with a coffee gone cold waiting for his shitty boyfriend who might never even show up. Isak wanted to hit himself. But he also had to assume his mistakes. He learned long ago not to run away from the problems with Even. That it would only make it worst between them._

_So Isak got up, slowly, and walked hesitantly to the table were Even was waiting._

_"Hey..." Isak tried_

_"Hey." Even said looking up, a fake smile that hide hurt and anger hanging on his lips._

_With the lack of further respond from Even, Isak continued nervously. "Sorry I'm late, we were studying for this big exam coming up next week, and then we started talking about this essay coming up in that other class, and someone then ask for my help on something and I couldn't really refuse, I mean, he had already helped me with other stuff and I couldn't just leave him like that when he..."_

_"Isak" Even cut his rambling. "It's okay, I get it, no need to explain." He said getting up leaving his coffee that he had barely touched._

_"Sorry I made you wait. I'll buy you another coffee." The younger boy said quickly._

_"There's no need Isak, I have to go now, I have stuff to do at home."_

_"We don't have to be long"_

_"Isak” Even then burst. “I've been sitting here for an hour and a half, waiting for you who never came looking like a fucking loser whose date bailed on him! Do you realise how that makes me feel? How shitty it is to see the waitress pity me? Seeing everyone talking and laughing while I sit alone waiting for you?"_

_"I'm sorry…"_

_"I know you are Isak, but this keeps happening and I can't take it anymore. I can't keep waiting for someone who doesn't want to be there."_

_"I want to be there. I just..."_

_"...got cut up in something and didn't see time pass?" Even finishing for him "It's always the same song Isak and I get it you have other important stuff to do, you have a new exiting life to live. I really do understand, more than you think, but please be honest with me. Please stop pretending like you actually want to spend time with me if you have more enjoyable things to do" Even said starting to leave. Isak was on his heels, running after him._

_"I do like spending time with you! I'm just trying to build up a future for us."_

_"For_ us _? There is no_ us _with you anymore Isak! You only study all the time! You don't make time for_ us _anymore! You're looking at_ your _future right now and there's nothing wrong with that except that you are not alone! You are dragging me into this where I have no place to fit! If you want_ me _Isak you'll make time for_ me _. By then I'll be at home doing my own stuff. I'm tired and done of always waiting for you."_

_Even then turned the corner and got lost in the crowd, leaving Isak behind._

_He had all rights to be angry at Isak right now, but it didn't make it hurt less. Isak was fighting the tears forming in his eyes, trying everything to stay composed. He didn't what to do. He messed up. He messed up real bad and he didn’t know how to fix it._

_Even never got angry with him, not like this at least. Sometimes he would get annoyed with Isak, but never mad. And if Even was mad… If Even couldn’t take Isak any longer… If Even didn’t want Isak anymore… Then Isak would be losing him. He would be losing the love of his life all by his own damn fault. God did he hate himself._

_It took about an hour walk before Isak stopped in front of his and Even flat still trying to figure out what his next move should be. And honestly, the hour and the fresh air hadn’t brought any ideas. All it had brought was puffy red eyes, a running nose and the urge to jump into his boyfriend arms to hug out the pain._

_He didn’t have a big plan, but he had to get to Even, that he knew. So he would have to go with honesty. He wanted Even, he was sure of that. He didn’t want to lose Even, he was certain of that too. So knowing that, he was going to get inside and fight like hell to prove that to Even. It might not be the plan of the year, but it would have to do. Isak hoped so badly that it would._

_It took him about another ten minutes before he could get himself up the stairs to the front of their door. There, he decided on knocking since he didn’t know where his keys were as always and knowing Even he had probably locked himself in._

_When Even opened, Isak realise that the older man didn't look better than him. He had definitely cried too and his hair was a mess as if he had been buried in bed._

_They just looked at each other for a while, taking the sight of the other in. After a few minutes, still standing in the doorway, Isak broke the silence._

_"I want to be with you Even, I swear I do."_

_"Isak..."_

_"No let me finish. I'm so so so sorry you felt neglected. I love you so much and I never ever want to lose you. I was a jerk to you these past weeks. I've ignored your needs when you gave me nothing but forgiveness, care and love. You are so fucking amazing to me all the time and I'm such a sitty stupid boyfriend in return. You deserve so much more than me, but please don’t leave me. I swear I'll make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but I'll figure it out I promise. I know it’s selfish, but I just can’t bear the thought of not having you by my side anymore."_

_Even didn’t waste time. He took Isak in his arms hugging him tight, burying his face in Isak's hair._

_"I'm sorry I yelled at you."_

_"I deserved it."_

_"No one deserves to be yelled at"_

_"I did Even, I really did."_

_"I'm still sorry."_

_Even pulled Isak inside and they made their way to the sofa, both sitting down turned to face each other. Isak took Even’s hands and stared talking again. He needed to make himself clear._

_"I can't stop studying completely, I’m sorry, but I will make an effort to have at least a few nights a week to spend time with you. You choose whatever you want to do, I'll follow. Wetter it’s watching a movie, cuddling or going for a walk, I don't care. And if you want to have lunch again, I'll set an alarm on my phone and if I don't show up within the five minutes we were supposed to meet at, then you have a right to leave and not talk to me for as long as you want even if it’s for a week or more."_

_"Don't you think that's a little excessive?" Asked Even laughing slightly._

_"Desperate times calls for desperate measures." Isak answered back seriously._

_Even smiled bringing his hand to Isak's cheek, stroking slowly at the soft skin there. "Thank you for listening to me"_

_"I should've listened a long time ago. I've pushed you so hard Even and I'm so sorry. I see it now. I've pushed you away when you needed me and I'll never forgive myself for it."_

_"You see it now, that's what matters."_

_"I've pushed you so hard you stop having fate in me, you stopped believing in us..." Isak continued ignoring Even's comment, tears forming at his eyes._

_"Isak." Even said pulling his boyfriend’s face up to look into his eyes. "I've never lost fate in you. Never, okay? I know you. I know you are the most amazing, sweetest loving boyfriend deep inside. You just got lost somewhere. It happens and it’s okay as long as you come back to me eventually. But never did I lose fate in you nor in us. I swear, okay?"_

_"Okay" Isak said quietly, a tear streaming down his face._

_Even kissed him then, nice and slow and forgiving. At that exact moment Isak realised once again how lucky he was to have an Even by his side. An Even who knew him better than anyone and who even in his worst moments would keep believing in him and wait for him to come back. He loved him for it, but hated himself for using that love so wrongly. He had to make it right. He had to fight for Even. Or he would lose him forever, and that he couldn't bear._

_"I love you so much" Isak said hanging to his boyfriend's shirt_

_"I love you too Isak, always, I promise._ "

___________________

The next time Isak woke up, he didn’t hear Even’s voice. The presence was familiar though.

Isak felt the person walk through the room and then sit next to him on the bed. A very delicate and small hand then took his own rough and slander one and squeezed it lightly.

“I got to say, I was quite surprise when Jonas told me in what state you were.” A sweet female voice started, almost startling him. “I didn’t believe him at first. You always handle things with so much strength and stubbornness that I didn’t think you could be depressed. I guess those things really happen to those we least expect to.”

The girl took a pause there before continuing. “I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. Fuck, I don’t even know what happened for you to fall into this, but… I can guess maybe. You know, in first year, when everything went down? Because of you, yes, but that’s not my point. My point is, when everything happened I felt like such a piece of shit. All I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and never get out of it. I felt like the whole world was against me, hating me, wanting me gone. I even started to think they were really better off me. I think you might feel a little like that too now. Well it’s only a guess, but looking at how you’re closing yourself from the exterior world, I think it’s a pretty good guess. But to continue my story, do you know who got me out of this mess? My friends of course, but also... you. You did, because despite wanting to rune my relationship you didn’t really want me to be hurt. You were selfish, but not a bad person. Does that even make sense? I don’t know. I just know you are not a horrible human being Isak. No matter what’s going on in your head right now, I know that everything you do has good intentions behind it, or at least not bad ones. So whatever happened or did not happen it doesn’t make you unworthy.”

Isak stayed still during Eva’s whole speech. He was quite shocked. He had always hated himself so much for what he had done in first year even if Eva had said again and again that she forgave him. He just hadn’t really believed it until today.

Eva’s voice resonated once again a few minutes later. “I saw Even earlier. I hadn’t seen or heard about him in ages. It’s weird how you can be friends with someone, but only if he’s friends with another of your friend. Like then wouldn’t be friends with you in other circumstances. It was good to see him again. I’ve missed him.”

She took another break and then continued.

“You know, I couldn’t quite believe it when you and Even broke up. See, I thought me and Jonas would never get back together, but that you and Even would be forever. But here we are living the opposite. I always thought that Even and you were each other person, like soulmate, and that you would never leave one another. It almost made me lose fate in love when you two broke things off. I couldn’t understand how you two could stop loving each other. But when I saw Even today looking at you I think I understood. You never stopped loving each other. You just… you just separated your ways or something. I don’t quite understand it to be honest. How can two people who love each other so much can just leave and not be together? I never understood that. Well I say this, but look at me and Jonas. We were still in love when we broke up. We found our way back though. You and Even never seemed to really have before now I guess. Before Jonas called him actually. “

Silence fell again, this time a little heavier. Sighting, Eva slowly putted her head on Isak shoulder.

“I just… I know you love him Isak. So why did you push him away? Why don’t you just let him in? He loves you back I know it and he would run to the moon for you if you ask him to. You’ll figure things out I know it. You just have to stop pushing him away.”

Silently, without Eva noticing, Isak let out a tear. Eva was right on some things. He did love Even and wanted him more than anything else in the world, but she was also wrong. Their love was different from what it used to be. Their love was quiet and wounded. It wasn’t a happy love anymore. Nonetheless, Isak still wanted Even, still lingered for him. After all, it had all started with Even. Even was his main wound.

Because despite what Eva and the others might think, it wasn’t Isak who did the final pushed that broke them apart. Maybe he took part in it, but he doesn’t think he’s the one that started it. Or at least, doesn’t want to think so. Even’s the one who pushed them apart. Even’s the one who stopped believing in them.

Felling the tiredness of his pain submerge him again, Isak fell back to sleep to the light stroke of Eva’s hand on his arm reminding him that maybe not all people hated him.

_____________________

_Isak walked into the apartment having finished work early. It was one of their date nights tonight and Isak was proud to have come home early on this day. He was going to surprise Even, who would be happy with him and that's all Isak ever wanted. Since their last fight, Isak had truly made changes. It hadn't been easy, but he was ready to do absolutely anything for his boyfriend. He couldn't say he disliked the rewards he got either. They had done really cool stuff, like picnicking on top of high buildings or going camping in the woods for the night. They also had done other simple activities like going to the movies, going to a restaurant or simply staying home cooking together (or more Even cooking and Isak trying not to burn anything down). It was fun and relaxing and Isak, he admitted now, truly had needed this time with his boyfriend. So coming home early to start that evening a little before what they had planned was more than wanted by Isak._

_"Even?" He called not to loud in case his boyfriend was taking a nap or something. It would explain why Even hadn't respond to him coming in._

_Isak looked around quietly until he heard a voice into the distance coming from their small balcony. The door was slightly open, just enough to let Even's soft voice come through. He had his back to the window looking into the street and was talking on the phone, but Isak wasn't capable of determine with whom._

_He approached slowly trying to hear what he was talking about and with which of his friend, until... until he realised Even wasn't simply talking to a friend about what they would do next friday night._

_"Thank you very much for the offer, Sir. It's very appreciated." Even’s voice resonated_

Silence

_"I'm very glad you liked my application, I've put a lot of work into it."_

Silence

_"Yes of course. It would be more than an honor. I’m mostly aiming for California right now as the destination, because I think it’s what will give me better access to more opportunities."_

Silence

_"Really? You would do that for me? That is very kind of you, Sir. Thank you so much."_

Silence

_"Yes I will contact you as soon as my admission is completed."_

Silence

_"Yes Sir. Thank you again, for everything. Goodbye."_

_Even putted his phone back into his pocked, staying outside a bit longer to regain his posture after learning such good news._

_As for Isak, panic settled inside his chest._ _What the hell was_ that?

_Eventually, Even turned around to come back in. When he noticed Isak he jumped, startled._

_"Oh Isak! I didn't hear you come in." Even said starting to smile and approaching his boyfriend._

Maybe because you were too busy planning to leave me _, Isak thought to himself._

_He didn't know what to think or what to feel. It was just so much to take in. He didn't know if he should rather be angry or rather sad or betrayed. It was like he was frozen in time._

_Even quickly caught on the weird look on Isak's face._

_"What's wrong baby?"_

_"What's wrong?" Isak scoffed, "You're really asking me what's wrong?"_

_Even was clearly not catching up, so Isak continued._

_"You’re planning to leave me without telling me and you're asking me what's wrong?" Isak almost shouted feeling the emotion rising inside his chest._

_"Oh...uh...no it's not really like that" Even started uncomfortable, clearly startled by Isak sudden outburst._

_"For how long have you've been planning this, uh?! For how long I've you decided I wasn't enough for you anymore? I thought we had talked about this Even! I told you I would make some changes! And I've made some! I kept my promises Even! I'm working the hell hard right now to try to make this relationship better, I'm fighting with everything I have and you're here planning to get the fuck out!" Isak screamed tears in his eyes._

_"Isak, no, please don't cry" Even approached Isak trying to catch his boyfriend's face between his hands, but the other boy stepped back._

_"You swore you hadn't lost fate in us. You swore, but it wasn't true. You...you..." Isak sobbed quieter this time._

_"Isak, please listen, I didn't lie. I do still have fate in us, I do, okay?" Even said, finally able to get Isak between his hands to bring him back into focus. "I'm not thinking of leaving you baby. I'm simply...analyzing my options."_

_"And leaving a millions miles away from me is an option?"_

_"No! Of course not."_

_"Then what his it?" Isak whispered looking deep into the other boy's eyes._

_"I don't know yet Isak, I just..." Even responded closing his eyes and turning his head to the floor._

_"You don't love me anymore" Isak tried in a small voice._

_"What? No! What are you talking about? No Isak, god no! I'm just... trying to build a future for me you know?"_

_"A future for you? And what about us in all of that, uh? What happened to the_ us _?"_

 _"There is still an_ us _, but you are studying to build yourself a carrier and a life with or without me and I want to do that too. I'm tired of being here stuck behind you. I want things for myself too." Even tried to explain_

_"You’re willing to give us up for your future?"_

_"Wasn't that what you were doing few days ago?"_

_"I...I wasn't... I didn't do it willingly! I didn't realise what I was doing! You are doing it knowing exactly what you’re doing!" Isak said pulling away from Even._

_"Isak you have a life, a life you are so happy with you forgot I existed for a while. I don't feel that way about my life right now so I'm trying to figure out a way to be happy about were I'm heading, do you understand that?" Even started to get annoyed. Couldn't Isak stop being so selfish for a second?_

_"But you are doing it without me!" Isak shouted "You are planning your happiness without me!"_

_"Maybe I am Isak! Maybe I am starting to think for myself as you are always putting yourself first and I'm tired of it!" Even answered voice as loud as Isak's._

_"You think I'm selfish? Really? After everything I've sacrificed for you?"_

_"And what about what I've sacrificed for you!" Even then screamed so loud, Isak was shocked. Even never got that angry._

_"I..." Isak started not sure how to react._

_Even sight, taking a big breath before continuing. "I'm not happy Isak. I don't know how else to put it. I need a change. And I should have talked about it to you earlier, but you are so cut up into your own little world of university and sciences that it's sometimes hard to do. I didn't know how to tell you without freaking you out, but clearly I failed at that."_

_"I just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry you are not happy Even, I really am, but I've made sacrifices for you too and you not being happy does not make them any less worth it." Isak said more calmly, but anger still in his voice._

_"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."_

_"I want you to be happy Even I really do, but for that you need to talk to me, tell me these stuff, okay? We need to analyse the options together not apart from each other. Don't push me away like that." Isak said finally feeling the emotion leave his body._

_"Okay" Even responded in a low quiet voice, looking at the ground, ashamed. Isak knew his boyfriend was blaming himself. He knew that look way to well and it hurted to see it on the other boy's face even if he was mad at him. So Isak closed the distance between them putting their foreheads together._

_"It's alright Even, I'm not that mad. Don't blame yourself for this. Enough hurt have been made tonight."_

_Even nodded still looking at his feet. Isak took his head between his hands trying to make his boyfriend look at him. Even lifted his eyes shyly._

_"I don't like when we fight." The older boy whispered for only Isak to hear._

_"I don't like it either baby, especially on date night." Isak answered slowly moving his thumb on Even's cheek._

_"Especially on date night" Even repeated in agreement._

_"Let's take it slow tonight, yeah? Simply movies and cuddles?" Isak asked_

_"Yeah sounds good"_

_"Perfect" Isak mumbled already closing the small distance between their lips and kissing Even tenderly. No matter how angry they could get toward each other it never last long. They would always kiss it away soon enough with as much tenderness and care as before if not more. Their fights were mostly about miscommunications and were never pushed that far which was a good thing if you asked Isak._

_Things were okay again and it’s all that mattered. They would have to talk about this again, but Isak didn’t want it to be tonight. He was too scared of what the conclusion of their conversation could be. But later that night, despite Isak’s effort to avoid it, he heard what he was most afraid of._

_When Even thought that his boyfriend was sound and sleep on his chest, he whispered quietly the words that had been haunting his mind._

_“I don’t want to do it without you baby, but I have to leave. I just have to, I’m sorry.”_

_That night, Isak’s whole world fell apart._

______________________

The next time Isak woke up, he was in panic. He felt like his whole chest was on fire, like his heart was combusting on itself. He was getting out of breath too, everything starting to look like a blur. He felt pain spreading into his entire soul. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t get his voice to function. He couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He was helpless. Tears started streaming down his face as he tried to understand what the hell was going on with him without any success. He just wanted, needed, the pain to be gone. He was desperate.

Suddenly someone ran into his room.

"Isak! Isak! What's wrong! I’m so sorry! I just went out to make some tea! What’s the matter? Tell me!” The person Isak couldn’t recognise screamed falling by his side.

And Isak tried, he tried so hard to tell him, to explained, to even move, but he was getting dizzy from all the pain and he felt his body crashing into hell.

"Isak please, talk to me...please"

Isak got his head to turn and he looked straight into the eyes of the person next to him. They were blue. Like the ocean, he thought.

_Blue and beautiful_

He let himself get lost in them for a second, just concentrating on the sight. He could see panic and pain in the other’s eyes.

_The pain, the hurt, the heartbreak_

He could see it all as an open book, as a reflection of his own mind. It terrified him.

The boy beside him looked tired and drained of energy. He looked as he hadn't taken a shower in days, his hair ruffled and oily. He also looked desperate calling for the boy who was slowly falling out of his grip. And never did Isak look into a more exact reflection of himself.

"Isak?” The boy asked, bringing him out of his reverie. “Isak, are you alright?”

Isak looked at him deeply, his body finally calming down, slowly sinking into numbness. His eyes were locked with the boy's and he tried, he tried so damn hard to let him know through his stare, to make him understand that he loved him. He loved him but couldn’t ask for all of this. Even had to leave Isak behind. Isak had to set him free.

_I’m so sorry Even._

A silent tear streamed down Even's eye as he let his head fall on Isak. Isak wanted nothing but to reach out and stroke his hair and tell him that everything would be alright, that he would be alright without him, but his body had lost all energy to fight. His body was falling into numbness and nothingness again.

But a voice kept resonating in his head.

_The voice of an angel_

"I know how you feel Isak. I know it all feels like too much, like the whole world around you is crashing into hell and you’re going to burn with it if you don't do anything. I know it feels like there's no way out and that you are scared that if you tell anyone they won't understand and push you away, or worse they are going to be hurt and you're going to be dragging them into hell with you. I know you feel all alone like it's just you against the world. Trust me I know about it all too well. But baby it doesn't have to be that way. I used to believe in all of that too, but it isn't true. You are not alone. As long as I'm breathing and walking on this earth you will never be alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere I promise. I know we broke up, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.

As long as you need me Isak, I’m here Isak, I swear. Just... You just have to hold on, okay? Just hold on a little longer and we'll figure it out, okay? We'll figure how to get you out of your mess, I promise. I promise you'll be okay. But for that I need you to be with me and Jonas and Eva. You need to let us in. You need to let me in. Please..."

_But I have to let you go and you have to let me go_

"Please Isak" the voice pleaded again.

_I'm sorry, so sorry_

"Please, please, please" the voice continued pleading in his head until it was all Isak could hear.

Isak needed to let Even go. He didn’t want to drag Even with him. But that voice... That voice kept calling for him and...he couldn't just ignore it, right? It would be too cruel, and Isak wasn't cruel. He just wanted to stop feeling this pain inside of him. That's all.

For the first time, Isak reconsidered his choice. He thought long and hard as Even’s body was press against his, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

He had to let go, he did. But maybe he wasn’t ready yet. Maybe he could give himself just a little while longer.

______________________

_Few weeks after Isak walked in on Even on the phone, things were still very tense between the two boys. Like Isak had feared, he didn’t like the conclusions of their conversations. For what seemed like the first time in forever, they couldn’t agree on anything. They kept fighting over and over again._ _And today, here they were again for what seemed like the millionth time._

_“And what? You expect me to give up my whole life for you?”_

_“Isak you know that’s not what I’m asking. I just want you to consider.”_

_“I don’t know Even, I just don’t know. I can’t just leave everything behind like that”_

_“It’s just for a year!” Even screamed helplessly_

_“A year and then what? We’re just going to come back here to our boring lives like nothing ever happened? It’s not that easy!”_

_“It is! I just… I have to go Isak. This is my dream for god sakes.” Even said hopelessly_

_“And what? You think I don’t have dreams of my own? You think staying here is my first choice?” Isak replied, clearly starting to be offended_

_“You are the one that got in that amazing one life experience program and I’m stuck here in this shitty university.” Even spitted_

_“That’s not a reason!” Now it was Isak’s turn to scream._

_“Oh come one! Stop being selfish for a second! You got what you wanted, don’t you think it’s my turn?!”_

_“Selfish? I’m selfish Even? Why the hell do you think I refuse all those cool internships? I do everything for you Even! Every single little decision I make is for you!” Isak exploded_

_“Then stop! I never asked you to do that!”_

_“But you want me to leave everything behind to follow you to god knows where?! Yes Even you may not realize it but you are asking me to stay by your side. You are asking me to give everything up for you and I thought I could, but honestly? I don’t think I can anymore…” Isak whispered the last words like he just had admitted them to himself._

_“Then don’t…”Even whispered back, barely audible._

_They both stayed silent for a while, both taking in what had been said. It’s true. They’ve been fighting way to much these past days on the same damn thing every time. Its time they acknowledge the fact that they weren’t on the same page anymore. They still loved each other. They just… didn’t agree on the future. They had different plans, different ambitions, different places they wanted to go to now._

_“Maybe…” Even started, trying to form the words._

_“Ya, maybe…” Isak continued looking at the floor_

_“I just think…we keep fighting like that…”_

_“I know.” Isak cut him off, closing his eyes for a second. It was just so much to take in._

_“I think it may be best if we end it off before it’s too late, before we make each other unhappy.” Even finally admitted quietly, quickly glancing at Isak bracing himself for any kind of reaction._

_“We’re already unhappy Even.” Isak wasn’t looking at him, but he knew tears were starting to form behind his eyes. Even knew Isak hated himself for saying those words out loud, but it was only the truth. It had been a while since they had made each other truly happy. It was foolish not to admit it._

_“I know and I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine either. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just life. We just got to face that we have different dreams now, that we don’t see the same future anymore.” It was starting to be difficult to breathe._

_It was silent again for a moment and then: “I still see you in my future.” Even said looking shyly at Isak. Tears were streaming down his face now. He just couldn’t help himself._

_Isak stared back, tears falling down on his pale cheeks too. “I do too Even, but do you really see yourself following me to Bergen or London? I don’t see myself following you to California. I don’t see myself staying here either and I don’t think you do so what do we do? There’s no way out Even…”_

_“I just… I don’t know what I’ll do without you by my side.”_

_“I’m not sure how I’ll do either, but I know we’ll figure it out. We have great lives ahead of us and I don’t think it’s fair that we keep each other from living them. I don’t want to keep you from living your dreams Even.”_

_“I don’t want that either.” Even followed holding his boyfriend gaze_

_“Then go. Go live an extraordinary life. I’ll do the same. And maybe one day we’ll find each other again. But we’ll be happy then. Much happier than we are right now fighting.” Isak tried a small laugh then, but it just turned in more sobbing._

_Even took a step toward Isak, putting a hand on his cheek, lifting his eyes to his. “I hope we do find each other again Isak, I really do. I love you so much.”_

_Looking straight into Even’s eyes, Isak didn’t even have to think twice: “And I love you too.”_

_That night might have been one of their best yet. Yes they had fought. Yes they had cry. Yes their hearts had been broken. But for that night at least, they still had each other. So they hugged and kissed. Sweetly at first and then desperately, like it was the last day of their life. They cried into each other arms and cuddle until it all felt better again. And in the morning, Even made breakfast and they ate together while watching the sun set. They held each other until the last moment before they both went their separate ways whispering small goodbyes as it was all they could manage without breaking into tears once more._

_Isak ended up accepting an internship in London and would leave in a month, right after finishing university._

_Even was going to film school in California in which he had been gladly accepted and had even received a grant._

_Life was good. Like Isak had once said life is now and both of them had adventures to live, adventures they couldn’t live together, but that was okay. For now at least, they were both okay with it. They were happy for the other and happy to move one with their life after both feeling stuck in their little boring routine in Oslo. Their love for one another was strong enough to let the other go. And that was beautiful enough._

_Life wasn’t just good, it was great. It was perfect just like that._

_Too bad life also hides its surprise. Too bad Isak could never have been prepared for what was waiting for him next._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is really long, but just so you know it will not always be like that. I just wanted to set the story and so the length was needed, but it took me so long to write that if I do this each time you'll never have the next chapters.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one. If you feel like it, feel free to comment or give me feedback. It will be very appreciated.   
> Alt er love!


	3. It's the loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak feels worthless. His friends try to prove him otherwise.

It took Isak another week before he could get himself out of bed. His friends were taking turns checking on him, mostly making sure he ate. They all tried to talk to him too; trying to make him speak, trying to understand what was going on in his mind. It did help. Isak slowly started to feel less lonely which was something that hadn’t happened in a while.

It was the exhaustion and the weight of his body that kept him in bed a little longer. He slept all day, but it was still as he had stayed awake for weeks. It wasn’t such a wrong statement after all. Insomnia had hit him among other things before the big crash. The heaviness however was a different thing all together.

His head felt heavy from all the dark thoughts in his mind. His chest felt heavy from all the pain he was feeling in his heart. His legs felt heavy from all the running he had done. His whole body felt heavy from hurt, fear and anger towards himself and the world. It would take a lot more than a few kind words from his friends to scare that feeling away.

Isak himself didn’t know how to get himself out of this state. He didn’t know how to help himself and less even how others could help him. He felt like a complete waste of energy, but somehow his friends didn’t think the same and they did everything they could, each time coming with new ideas, to get him out of his misery.

And it worked. With their kind words and hugs and light touches, they all got him out. They took Isak’s mind away from the thoughts eating his brain and he slowly started to feel rest. He could lift his body again. He was far from okay, but even just this little change seemed like a big step.

So when one morning he woke up and felt capable of getting out of bed to get himself a glass of water all by himself, he couldn’t believe it. He was dragging his feet a little too much and the simple task still seemed like running a marathon, but at least he had been capable of doing it. He almost smiled at the thought.

Coming back into the room, he noticed Even asleep on a chair near the bed. Stopping at the door, he leaned on the doorframe taking the other boy’s sight in.

Even looked tired. He looked drained of energy and it made Isak feel selfish for a moment. Even, just like his other friends, had took a big part in getting him out of his misery. He somehow always knew what to say to Isak to make him feel better even in his worst moment, even if they hadn’t seen each other in years. But still Isak felt bad for not having pushed him away earlier. For his defense, he hadn’t really had the energy to do so, but then again… Isak felt selfish for wanting him there, for needing him there.

He walked back to his bed to take one of his extra blankets and then putted it gently on Even. The older boy stirred a little, but didn’t wake up. So Isak went back to his own bed, getting comfortable under the covers, on his side, looking straight at Even, watching him sleep soundly. It was a beautiful sight, although it brought back many unwanted memories.

**__________________**

_The first night Isak slept without Even was a very lonely one, but he told himself that he would get used to it with time. The tenth time Isak slept without Even, he still felt lonely and he told himself that he would get used to the feeling. The 21 st time Isak slept without Even, he yet again felt lonely, so he told himself it was time he find someone else to fill the void, a friend, perhaps?_

_The thing was, Isak wasn’t good at making friends and the circumstance he was in didn’t really help._

_Isak had moved to London for an internship. He had mostly done it out of impulsiveness and hadn’t really thought it trough. He just hadn’t wanted to live in the city, and even less in the apartment, where he and Even used to live. So he had taken the first internship he had found and moved to whatever city they had been ready to send him. And London it was._

_London wasn’t a bad city in itself. It was a beautiful city full of life that had its charm. The only thing was that Isak didn’t know the place in addition to the fact that he didn’t know anybody that lived there. So he was completely and utterly on his own. He just told himself he would get past it eventually and just went with it, but things didn’t exactly go his way._

_Everyone seemed to already know each other or at least had all those points in common. Isak was just the weird guy from Norway. Normally he was pretty good at talking to people, but he wasn’t exactly in his natural environment and the other interns just wouldn’t give him a damn chance. In other words, he felt very out of place. He still told himself he would get past it eventually._

_One day, at the end of a very exhausting shift, Isak meet Lydia._

_Lydia was a nurse newly hired. She was very average looking with her long dark hair and her big blue eyes, but she was still pretty. Her smile was probably what made her beautiful. It could bring sunshine around her in seconds. Isak maybe wasn’t into girls, but he wasn’t completely oblivious to what was beautiful, and Lydia was pretty. Still, sitting alone on a bench smoking a cigarette, the girl had a sadness in her. In the deep of her eyes something just didn’t feel right. Isak had noticed it the very first time he had seen her. He never really got the courage to ask her about it though._

_Isak had seen her around the hospital before, but he had never really paid her much attention. Isak didn’t even think they ever even worked on the same patient. Lydia still somehow noticed Isak, because that day, when he finished his shift and went outside to get a bit of fresh air,  she spook to him like she had known him for ages._

_“Long night, uh?” She said not even looking at him._

_“Uhm, ya, kind of.” Isak replied shyly, leaning against the wall._

_“You should stand up more for yourself you know?” Lydia said again, still not looking at him._

_“Sorry, what are you talking about exactly?” Isak asked confused._

_“Your teammates, the other interns. You shouldn’t let them talk to you like that.”_

_“And what do you know about how they talk to me?”_

_“Do you think I’m deaf or something? Of course I hear them talk to you. Nurses hear everything. You should know that.” Lydia said laughing slightly._

_“Well, I didn’t think anyone really cared.” Isak answered quietly looking down. He didn’t really understand why this young nurse was talking to him about that, but it wasn’t quit something he liked talking about. It made him feel even more worthless and miserable than he already was._

_“Listen” Lydia said finally turning to look at him. “I know it’s none of my business, but you seem like a nice guy Isak and it makes me feel like shit to hear them talk to you like that and you not doing anything about it. Why don’t you just snap back at one of them?”_

_“It’s easier said than done. And I’m actually trying to make some friends here. Snapping at people might not be the right way.”_

_“Ignoring them and letting yourself be step on won’t exactly help either.”_

_“Maybe you’ve got a point.” Isak replied moving to take a seat beside the girl, sighting._

_“I’m always right. You should know that if we’re going to be friends.” Lydia smirked._

_And that’s how Isak became friends with Lydia. It was as simple as that. Lydia saw him and he let her in. He later learned that Lydia didn’t have many friends around here either. She had left her hometown after her fiancé had cheated on her with her best friend and hadn’t looked back since. She kept saying that she was over that whole situation, but something in her eyes said differently. Isak just knew it. Maybe that’s where the sadness in her eyes came from, Isak didn’t know more._

_So every day or so, they would take break or finish work at the same time and go sit on their bench and just talk. Isak was there for Lydia and Lydia was there for Isak. They were both there for each other, making the other laugh, changing each other’s minds when life got too much. They just worked that way and Isak loved it._

_The only thing was that the bench kept reminding him of Even and their bench back in Oslo. He just couldn’t help it._

I should be over him already, ugh, _he kept thinking._

_So, one day, Isak felt brave and told Lydia about Even._

_“You’re not over him. Whatever you say, you are not.” She stated_

_“What do you mean, I’m not over him? We broke up. It was a mutual and mature decision. I’m just fine with it.”_

_“No you’re not.” She laughed. “Isak, just the way you talk about him sends you off.”_

_“Okay, whatever.” Isak answered clearly offended._

_“Isak come on. It’s okay to still love someone after you broke up with them. It’s part of life. One stops loving the other, but the other doesn’t. It takes time to heal, but you’ll get there.”_

_“He never stopped loving me.”_

_“See!!!” She almost screamed in his face._

_Isak sighted in exasperation. “Okay smarty, if you know so much, how exactly do I move on?” He confronted her._

_She thought about it for a moment before answering carefully. “There’s no magic way, really. I say just let yourself be. Think of him if you have to, don’t stop yourself from that. But also…don’t stop yourself from looking at other option, you know? Be free Isak.” Lydia said smiling at the last part. It was such a genuine smile that Isak couldn’t help but smile right back in respond._

**_-_ **

_It did take time. It took a few more months before Isak could look at anybody and admit to himself that they looked hot. It took him another few more weeks before he started flirting back with other guys at bars. And it took him about a few more days before he decided to finally kiss another guy._

_Isak couldn’t help but compare it to Even’s. This kiss was very different. Less tender he would say, but good either way. The other guy’s lips were less full and he putted a little more tongue than Even would, but Isak still liked it. The kiss still made him feel things at the pit of his stomach. It still had its magic somehow._

_He went back home that night, with the other guys number in his pocket feeling invincible. But when he got home he suddenly felt bad. He felt like he was betraying Even._

_For so long he had thought that Even would be his forever and here he was getting into something else with someone else. Isak almost threw the guy’s number away._

_After calling Lydia (“No Isak, you are not betraying him, you are moving on with your life just as he would have wanted it, I promise.”  She had reassured him), he decided to keep the guy’s number and maybe call him back next weekend. He was the first guy to make him feel something since Even and it was waking things in him._

Maybe he really could do it all over again…

**______________________________**

At some point, Isak had fallen back to sleep. When he woke up, to his relief (or his disappointment), Even was gone. He was replaced by a feminine figure that was wide awake and looking straight at him.

_Eva_

“Hey” She said quietly, scared to startle the young boy. “How are you feeling?”

_What a stupid question. Really, Eva?_

“Oh, sorry. Dumb question, uh?” She then said looking a bit nervous.

_Maybe a little._

“Hum… Are you hungry or…? Do you need something?” She said as silence stretched.

Isak just stared at the sealing, sighting. He was capable of staying awake now and had even been able to walk a little, but talking felt like such a big step. His mouth felt dry and his lips seemed to have forgotten how to move. He didn’t trust the sound that would come from his mouth either. He felt like he had to learn how to speak all over again and it seemed awfully exhausting.

“Okay… You don’t have to talk then if it’s too much, just like sign? Can you sign? Tell me if you need something?” Eva said desperate.

Isak closed his eyes again for a second, thinking. The thing was he didn’t know what he needed. He didn’t know if he was sleepy or hungry. He didn’t know if he needed a shower or some fresh air. He didn’t know what would make him feel better or worse. He didn’t understand himself anymore and it made him feel panic rise inside his chest.

As his eyes filled with tears once again, Eva panicked.

“Fuck, I’m getting Even.”

“Don’t” Isak said quickly, voice raspy from lack of practice, grabbing Eva’s wrist in the way. He was surprise by his own outburst. He had just said his first word in weeks.

_Progress_

“Isak, he knows more about this than me. He’ll know how to help you.” Eva answered softly, sitting by Isak side. She took his hand in hers, soothingly running her fingers over his knuckles.

“I don’t…” Isak tried, trying to clear his voice.

“It’s okay. Take your time.”

“He shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be here” Isak finally managed.

“That’s bullshit. Even told us you would push us away, but Isak, it won’t work with me. I can promise you that.” Eva said with all the seriousness she had in her.

“Why would you even what to be there?” Isak asked as a rhetorical question.

“What kind of question is that?” Eva responded surprised. But when she saw that Isak was dead serious, she adjusted herself on his side and took him in her arms. Isak didn’t have the energy to fight her and if he was completely honest, he would say it made him feel better.

Not caring much anymore, he just let himself melt under her shooting touch and she tightened her hold.

“Oh Isak… If only you knew… If only you understood…” Eva said, sounding exasperated. “I’m going to say something now and I need you to listen very closely okay?”

When Isak didn’t respond, Eva said it again until he said it back. “Okay?”

“Okay…” Isak finally said in a small voice.

“We are your friends Isak. We are the people who promised to stay by your side through good and bad. We are your people Isak. We are here for you through hell and more. But more importantly, we all choose to be your friend Isak. We choose to stand by your side. Nobody dragged us into this, not even you. So whatever you think of us or of yourself right now, forget it, because we are not going anywhere. If we want to leave, we will leave, but each and every one of us wants to be by your side and help you right now. We all came here by our own choice, I promise. Okay?” Eva said in her serious voice.

Silence stretched between them before Isak finally answered a quiet “Okay”. He didn’t think it was very believable, but it was all he could manage.

_They’re going to leave soon. They’re going to realize that I’m not worth their time._

“I know it’s going to take way more than this little speech for you to believe us Isak, but I’m willing to repeat it to you every day until you truly and completely believe it.”

Isak sighted. He didn’t think it would work, but Eva wasn’t going to hear any of that, so he just let himself go to the softness of her arms around him.

His friends maybe loved him today, but he knew they would soon realize otherwise. He wasn’t worth their time. He wasn’t worth their love. He just knew it. It didn’t even come from his own mind. Someone hadn’t just told him so either.

_Someone had shown him._

**___________________________**

_Isak ended up calling the guy he kissed at the bar back._

_He stood in front of his phone for what seemed like hours gaging the pros and cons. If he called, that meant he was really ready to move on, but was he? Was he really ready to kiss, go on dates, and spend the night with someone other than Even? Was he really ready to forget about Even to concentrate on another human being? Was he ready for everything that it implied?_

_What if he freaks out? What if half way in he realizes that he doesn’t really want this? What if he can’t stop himself from thinking about Even? What if he ends up hurting the other guy? What if…?_

_Isak was overthinking this. The truth was: he was terrified. He had only known Even. He hadn’t had any other boyfriend before that. Sure he had a few meaningless girlfriends, but the point was that they were meaningless. He had only cared about his image back then. Now he cared about building a real relationship. It implied so much more._

_It hadn’t been easy with Even at first, but at the same time he had been sure at that time that he loved him and that he wanted the relationship. Now, he was scared that he was just rushing into things to get over his ex. But was he really? He and Even had been broken up for four months now and Isak didn’t linger for his presence anymore. He had gotten used to Even’s absence. But was it enough?_

_The other guy seemed very nice. His name was Thomas and he had very beautiful eyes. He was very different from Even in a way. He was about Isak’s height, so a little smaller than Even, and had rather long dark hair. His eyes were still blue, but a darker shade. The only thing that he had in common with Even was his smile. Thomas had a smile and a laugh that could light up a whole room. It was different from Even’s, but at the same time it had the very same effect on Isak. Maybe he did have a type._

_Thomas definitely seemed like a nice guy and Isak would feel really bad to use him has someone to move on from his ex. But at the same time Isak really did like him. He really could imagine something happening between them in the long term. He really had felt things when they had talked and when they had kissed. It was the first time it had happened since Even. It had to mean something, right?_

_After probably an hour of rambling, Lydia texted him:_ Did you call him yet?

Ughhhhh

_Isak knew what she would say. He knew deep down that he should call Thomas back. He didn’t understand why, but he was so damn scared. Frustrated with himself, he just took one big breath and picked up his phone to dial Thomas’ number. His finger rested a few second on the call button, before he finally had the courage to press it._

_The phone rang, and rang, and rang._

He found someone else better _, Isak thought. But then a voice answered._

_“Hello?”_

_“Hum, hi. Is this Thomas?”_

_“Hum, yes. Just a second.”_

_“Okay…”_

_There was a moment of silence._

_“Hi, sorry about that. Who are you exactly?”_

_“Hum, it’s Isak. The guy you kissed at that bar last weekend?”_

_“Oh hi Isak!” Thomas said, sounding much happier._

_“I’m sorry to interrupt your day. I just wanted to know if you wanted to meet up again this weekend maybe?” Isak said nervously_

_“Sure, that would be really nice. How about tomorrow night?”_

_“Ya okay. Do you want to meet at the same place?”_

_“Perfect for me. How about 10 Isak?”_

_“Hum, ya. Sounds good.” Isak answered feeling excitement take over._

_“Okay, see you then.”_

_“See you then” Isak repeated._

_“Oh and Isak?”_

_“Yes?”_

_“I’m happy you called back.” He said before hanging up._

_Isak couldn’t stop smiling. He was starting to feel things at the back of his stomach again and he couldn’t help but feel weird. Was he really doing this with someone else than Even? It sounded so absurd. But he couldn’t back down now. He couldn’t wait for the next day either._

**_-_ **

_They meet the next day at the same place they had kissed a week ago and Isak was feeling as nervous as ever. He couldn’t stop rambling and talking nonsense._

God, why can’t I just be normal?

_Thomas, on the other side, didn’t seem to care. He just watched Isak with a fond expression on his face, smiling. At some point, he decided to take Isak’s hand, just like that, and just hold it on the table. Isak almost gasped._

_His heart was definitely beating faster and his breath was uneven. But he kept himself focus, trying to tell a story about the first time he and Jonas had gotten drunk. He didn’t really remember why he was telling this story, but it seemed like Isak’s only mission to finish the damn story before melting to the ground._

_When he finally finished his story, Thomas just stared at him still smiling, but with a hint of malice now. Isak smiled shyly in returned before turning his face to the floor. Was this going well, or not? He didn’t know what to do or what to say anymore. Just as it started to feel awkward between them, Thomas got up from his chair and kissed him. Just like that, in front of every other person in the bar, he just kissed the hell out of him._

_It took a moment, but before he really knew it, Isak was kissing him back and they were making out in the bar. It felt a little strange to Isak who preferred a little more PDA, but at the moment, he didn’t care at all._

_When they both pulled back, Thomas smiled against his lips and Isak couldn’t help but kiss him again. He just felt so good. It felt so good to have someone again._

_Thomas then looked at the time and said he had to go, because he had to wake up early the morning after. Isak nodded and let him go, with a stupid smile full of love on his lips._

God, what was happening to him?

**_-_ **

_For a while it was just that. They would meet at a gay bar Thomas would suggest and they would talk and mostly make out. The mostly made out in small alleys they would find around the area. It was more intimate and Isak didn’t quite mind being pushed against a wall like that._

_Isak was feeling so good. He felt like he could do anything. Thomas filled in that emptiness inside of him that Even had left. He filled his heart with passion and excitement and Isak loved it. Thomas made him feel loved and wanted and it’s all Isak ever wanted from him, but he couldn’t help but want more. Each time they meet, Isak wanted a little more to bring him back home. But then again, he was terrified of what it implied and couldn’t get himself to ask the other guy._

_One night, to Isak’s relief, it’s Thomas who proposed first._

_“Should we…Could we go back to your place?” He asked looking deep into his eyes._

_Of course Isak said yes. He was only human and god did he wanted nothing more._

_They found themselves in Isak’s bed making out soon after. At the beginning it was still just that, making out, but then things got a little more heated. They started to do more sexual things. Blowing each other. Touching each other in places they hadn’t before. Testing the boundaries a little more. Then finally, one night, Isak couldn’t take it anymore, so he begged. He begged for something more, for more touch, more kisses, more_ everything _._

_“I thought you’d never ask.” Thomas had said, sighting against his mouth._

_The sex was very different from his time with Even. It was less careful, had less foreplay. It seems a little more like sex for sex whether than sex for love, but Isak tried not to put too much thought into this._ It will come with time _, he told himself._ They weren’t there yet _._

_But time passed and it was still just that. Thomas wanted him, he knew that much form his moans and the way he seemed to like being in Isak’s arms kissing him. There was want there, Isak knew it. But then, why was this not going any further?_

_Each time they meet, they would talk a little, take a glass or two and then go back to Isak’s apartment to fuck. It was just that and it had been going on for almost two months now. Isak was starting to worry._

Am I not enough?

_He had a hard time silencing his thoughts anymore. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking stuff, imagining stuff._

_Too ashamed, he told Lydia that everything was fine. He couldn’t even get himself to talk to Thomas about it. And the more they went, the more things felt weird. If Isak didn’t know any better, he would say that Thomas looked a little less into him and more into the sex. But Isak kept telling himself that it was bullshit. He was imagining things again. He used to do it all the time with Even and Even loved him with all his heart. So no, it was only him and his mind._ None of it was true _, he repeated._

_Isak still lingered for more each time, putting his silent questions in his moans and cry. He wanted more than this. Why couldn’t he have more than this? Was he not allowed to have more than this? Did Even ruin him for anybody else? Or was it that he was just not that good enough for it?_

_He didn’t know anything anymore…_

_______________________________

“Isak?” Eva woke him up from his reverie.

“I have to leave, okay? But Sana is supposed to take over, so you won’t be alone.” She added slightly pulling away.

“Okay.” Isak answered in a small voice, letting Eva go.

She kissed him on the cheek, before ruffling his hair and leave. Few minutes later, Sana came in.

Isak couldn’t help, but frown at first, because it was weird that Sana was here. He didn’t exactly think it was her type to babysit people like that.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Sana said looking straight at him. ”You are asking yourself why I would accept to come babysit you.”

_God, was he that transparent?_

“You’re right it’s not exactly my type of thing, but I’m a good friend. And good friends take care of each other. Plus, I’m your best bud. I couldn’t really ditch you.” Sana said taking a sit in a chair nearby.

Isak almost laugh. He loved Sana. He realized just now that he had missed her. He hadn’t really talked to her in months. He would never say it out loud, but he was happy she was there.

Lydia had reminded him a little bit of Sana, when he was away. Always straight forward, always knowing exactly what was going on in his mind without him telling her and always giving the best advices. They were very much alike when Isak thought about it. The only difference was that they didn’t look alike and had been through different shit. Isak loved both of them so much.

“Okay, Isak.” Sana said when she realized Isak wasn’t going to say anything. “Eva kind of updated me before she left and she told me you talk now, so we are going to talk. My goal is not to overwhelm you, but it’s not by rambling alone in your head that we’re going to fix things. I know you can’t really talk to Even or Jonas because you are too close to them and you can’t talk to Magnus or Mahdi because they’re your bros or whatever and bros don’t talk about that stuff. You can’t talk to Vilde or Noora either because you are not close enough to them. You could probably talk to Eva, but after what happened in first year, your friendship has never really been the same. So that leaves you with me buddy.”

Isak sighted. He didn’t really want to talk, but he knew he wasn’t getting away with anything when it came to Sana. He looked at the sealing thinking about what he could tell her, but he didn’t even know where to start. He didn’t know what was to tell and what wasn’t.

“I don’t know what to say.” He finally admitted quietly, still not looking at Sana.

She must have seen his desperation, because she suddenly softened.

“Why don’t you just tell me what you’ve been up to since last time we saw each other. Or just talk about school and science or whatever. I don’t really care what we talk about. I just want you to slowly start to get back on your feet. That’s all.”

So they talk about school and patient Isak had encountered during his internships. Sana told him stories about her own experiences and while she laughed, Isak only gave small fake smiles. It actually felt good to talk to Sana like this, but the weigh on his shoulder still gave him a hard time. Everything still seemed to exhausting.

He was really trying to lose himself into the conversation, but his mind wouldn’t stop. His breathing was slowly getting uneven and he felt himself loose it.

He just couldn’t keep is demons away.

_________________________

_Isak hoped. He hoped so damn hard. He really hoped things would get better. But things didn’t get better. Things got worse._

_After about four months of small talk, less and less feelings and lots of sex, Isak really started to worry._

Am I doing something wrong?

_Thomas was spending less and less nights over at Isak’s. He would always refuse to take Isak to his place instead and Isak realized he didn’t really share much of himself with Isak either. Sometimes, he would just leave in the middle of the night or rush things out saying he was in a hurry for some reason. Isak was left each time alone with a big weight on his heart._

What the hell is going on?

_Just as he was about to finally find the courage to ask Thomas about it, the other guy’s phone rang in the middle of their encounter. They were deep into moans and panting and Thomas simply ignored the tone and Isak followed. On the third time in rang, Thomas seemed to realize something was wrong, because he quickly got off of Isak to look at the call._

_“Shit!” He said putting his clothes back on._

_“What? What’s wrong?” Isak asked overwhelmed from what the hell was going on._

_“I have to go sorry”_

_Thomas left leaving a naked and confused Isak behind._

What did I do wrong?

**-**

_The started to meet less often now and it didn’t help Isak’s worries. One night he decided to confront Thomas a bit._

_“Why don’t we go to your place tonight?” Isak asked feeling a little brave after a few glass of alcohol._

_“Isak, we talked about this.” Thomas replied annoyed._

_“I know, but I still don’t get why. Are you worry your roommates won’t like me or something?”_

_“Isak! We are just not going back to my place okay? It’s not in question.” Thomas said firmly before kissing him a little too hard. Isak slightly pulled away._

_“Why don’t we just stay here and talk tonight? I’m not really feeling it.” Isak said._

_“What the fuck! Why did you call me then?” Thomas burst._

_“Hum…to spend time with you I guess. I just wanted to see you, you know, be with you.” Isak replied suddenly nervous._

_Thomas laughed._ He laughed. _“What the hell is this bullshit?”_

_“Hum… I don’t know…”_

_“Fuck this. I’m going home. Good night Isak.” He then said before leaving._

_Isak couldn’t believe it._

Am I getting played?

_When Thomas called back a few nights later, Isak accepted to meet him. Of course he did, because he couldn’t help the feelings in his heart. And to be honest, he was horny._

_Thomas joined him directly at his place and they got quickly into things. Isak just lost himself into the moment, forgetting about the worries on his mind._

_But Thomas phone kept beeping in the middle of their encounter and as much as Isak wanted to concentrate on the sex, he couldn’t help but peek at Thomas’ phone while he didn’t pay attention._

Hey when is your meeting finishing tonight? _Isak read._

Waiting for you naked in bed with the handcuffs you love, can’t wait for you to be home. _Isak read more._

What is this?, _he thought alarmed._

_The phone then started ringing and Thomas jumped._

_“Who is it?” Isak asked still panting against Thomas’ skin._

_“Fuck, not again” Thomas groaned frustrated._

_“Who is it?” Isak repeated a little more seriously._

_“I have to go.”_

_“Please Thomas.” Isak pleaded._

_“Isak, stop being a baby, for god sake.” Thomas answered rudely while putting his pants on._

_“Thomas, please stay, I need you here. Please.”_

_“Isak what the hell!?”_

_“I’m tired of you leaving all the damn time? Am I not enough for you? And who the hell is Alison?”_

_Thomas eyes widen. He left that night without a word or a look back. Isak was left with the void in his heart screaming. Never had he felt so lonely before. He just laid down in bed crying until sleep found him._

**_-_ **

_Thomas blocked his number after that and he would avoid him when he saw him on the street at night. One day, Isak saw him on the street in the middle of the afternoon. He followed him discretely until Thomas stopped to hug an amazingly beautiful woman. He then kissed her on the lips and they walked away hand in hand to wherever they were going._

_Isak heart hurted that day. It broke in millions of pieces. He may have suspected it, but he had never been prepared for it. Whatever he told himself he had loved Thomas. He had loved his company and his touches. He had loved how he made him feel inside. Like he mattered, like he wasn’t lonely._

It was supposed to be me. Why wasn’t it me?

_Isak never heard of Thomas again._

I’m worthless

**_______________________**

He was suddenly shacked up from his thoughts again by Sana.

“Isak are you alright?” She asked worried.

Isak knew he didn’t look well with his pale face and the tears threatening at the back of his eyes, but what else could he answer?

“Ya, I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

_If only she knew…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> This chapter ended being much longer than I had planned! I just had sooooo much to say.   
> Thank you to everyone who gave this story a chance. I know it's very angsty, but that's just how I am in life. Always imagining the worst scenarios. I hope you'll still like this chapter!   
> I'll try to post one chapter by week, but it will mostly depend on the amount of school work I have. 
> 
> Feel free to leave your thoughts and reactions in the comments. I always appreciate them and I'm always open for feedback.   
> Hope you guys are all doing well, or at least better than poor Isak right now (I know I'm sorry, I'm the worst).  
> Alt er love!


	4. All rights are wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get better for a while, but it's only to fall harder later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait... No I haven't forgotten about this story. I love it too much for that. Enjoy your read (I hope)!

Isak talked with Sana for a few hours before exhaustion took him over. Sana stayed silent in the room reading through her school lectures, her presence reassuring. Isak loved Sana’s friendship. She was direct in her thoughts, but never mean. She always knew the right amount of push Isak needed. She knew and respected his limits and Isak was so thankful for it. Sana was probably the easiest person to be around right now considering everything. She worried, but kept to herself. She was just there, giving Isak time to heal slowly at his own rhythm. She still knew when to intervene when he was rambling and not getting anywhere in his head. She just knew everything. She had some Sana magic in her, that’s for sure.

Isak slept much better than he had in the last few days. When he woke up, he felt more rested and less heavy. He could breathe a little easier too. He actually felt good for a moment, but then the wave came crashing down again. Flashes of past events came to haunt his mind once again, leaving its marks. Isak groaned silently.

“You’re awake.”

Isak jumped, panicked.

“Oh no! Don’t panic, it’s just me, Jonas! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…” a deep voice answered.

“It’s fine, Jonas. I just… I wasn’t prepared… Too much at once.” Isak replied wincing as he fell back on his bed.

“Are you hurt?” Jonas asked upon seeing Isak wince.

“Not really. My body just hurts. Like it never really stops.” Isak admitted shyly.

“Do you want to take something? For the pain I mean?” Jonas asked again.

“Stop worrying Jonas.” Isak stated without much emotion, his eyes closed. He was tired of everyone worrying so much. It was tiring to see it in other people’s eyes and know you were the reason. You can’t even do much about it, because you are in fact not okay. Isak hated the sense of helplessness.

“I can’t just stop worrying Isak.” Jonas sighted.

Isak just stayed silent.

“You’re my best friend and you’re at your worst right now. It’s basically my job to worry. I still can’t believe I didn’t worry earlier.” Jonas continued.

“Jonas.” Isak sighted annoyed. “Cut the blaming. And stop pitying me.”

“You’re in a mood.”

“Fuck you.”

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone.” Jonas said, but still decided on simply sitting on a chair in Isak’s room. He picked a book Isak couldn’t read the title of and just ignored him.

Isak groaned again. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He was in a mood. Everything felt like too much. Every sensation, every noise, every smell, every light, every voice or presence just irritated the hell out him. He didn’t understand why, it was just the way it was right now. His body just kept surprising him with weird emotions like this. In fact, he hated it and it just made him even more annoyed with himself.

He just stared at the sealing for hours trying to close the world around him without any success. At some point, he finally was able to loose himself in his thoughts. The only thing was that his thoughts didn’t quite transport him in the best places at the moment…

**_____________________**

_Isak never heard of Thomas again._

I’m worthless…

_\--_

_Isak was hurt. His heart was shattered into a million pieces and there was nothing he could do about it. He felt like shit too. He didn’t know what to do with himself really. His mind kept rambling on what he could have done to avoid all of this. How he could have been smarter. How he could have been better. How he could have been more. But no… All he was was a worthless piece of shit. God he hated himself._

_The days following the night he got dumped were not his bests, but somehow the weeks that followed were even worst. The more time past, the worst he felt. He didn’t enjoy work anymore because people kept insulting him. He didn’t enjoy walking in streets anymore because he was always scared to bump into Thomas and his girlfriend. He didn’t enjoy being home, because it wasn’t really home and he felt utterly alone. They just weren’t much he could enjoy anymore really._

_After a while though, he realized that there was still some things that could make him feel a little bit better: alcohol and sex. Okay, maybe it was only hiding the problem instead of really dealing with it properly, but it was all he had._

_He drank as much as he could on his nights off, at least enough to forget how shitty he felt with his life, and then, when he felt drunk enough, he would flirt a bit and find a guy to take home that was whiling to fuck his brain out. Usually, the guy was gone by the time Isak would wake up and he would never see him again. Isak liked it that way. No feelings, no reason to get hurt. At least he could still flirt. He still had the power to bring guys home. He just wasn’t enough to make them stay. But he didn’t care about that or so he told himself. All he wanted was sex and a way out of his problems for a night. No need to hurt himself further in thinking about people cuddling him in the morning or making him breakfast or asking him if he felt okay. No all Isak needed was this right there. He was all good with it._

_The thing was, as much as Isak told himself he was fine, his look told another tale. In other words, he looked like shit. At some point Lydia seriously started to worry. She had started worrying about him long before Thomas dumped Isak, but the young boy had always brushed her away. Now though, Isak really wasn’t okay and she could tell. He needed help. So she pushed him a little more, tried the waters a bit more._

_“How was your weekend?” She asked innocently during one of their mutual breaks._

_“Hum fine, how was yours?” Isak asked back._

_“It was good too. What did you do?” Lydia pushed a little further._

_“Why all the questioning?” Isak bitted back, already on his guards._

_“I just want to know what you did, make conversation you know?” She answered nervously._

_“You never do that and I have known you for quite a while now. What do you really want to know Lydia?”_

_“I just…” Lydia sighted resigned. “I just want to know if you’re okay. Since you told me that entire story with Thomas you haven’t really been the same. You’re grumpier, more tired and you basically look hangover 24/7.”_

_Isak had indeed told Lydia about Thomas, because he had felt the need to just say it out loud, but he had to admit that he had jumped pretty big parts, making the story look like a rather simple and very less hurtful breakup. Thinking back, he had left out most of it. From what she knew, he had meet a guy name Thomas at a bar and things had been going on for a while, before Thomas had fell in love with someone else and had left Isak. He had also added that he was totally fine with it and held no reassignment. It wasn’t the truth at all, but who cares. It was the version Isak was willing to share. He just didn’t want people to pity him even if he knew better coming from Lydia. It was still his story to tell and if he didn’t want to tell it to others and keep it inside, then it was his damn choice._

_“I’m fine Lydia, god, have you kept a notebook of all of my states these past weeks or what?” Isak answered annoyed._

_“You’re defensive. That means you’re hiding something. It also means you’re actually not really okay.” Lydia responded while opening a snack of some sort._

_“Fuck you” Isak snapped starting to get up, but Lydia caught his hand just in time, bringing him back on the bench._

_“Please Isak I’m serious.” She said looking at him straight in the eyes. She actually looked serious and worried, so Isak sat back down. “I’m seriously worried right now. You really don’t look well. You can talk to me you know? Please talk to me Isak.”_

_Isak sighted, putting his head in his hands. “The whole Thomas thing might be getting more of me that I led on last time we talked about it” he said before adding out quickly that he was “Totally fine”._

_Lydia looked at him deeply, like she was looking right into him “Why do you get drunk all the time, then?”_

_“I don’t get drunk all the time!” Isak scoffed._

_“Yes you do.”_

_“Whatever, I just want to have a little fun. What’s the problem with that.” Isak said, desperate to shake her worries away._

_“There isn’t except you don’t drink to have fun, you drink to forget.”_

_“And how do you know so much about my life exactly?”_

_“Isak seriously, I see you every day. Doesn’t take much to realize you’re trying to drown your problems away and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that just… I don’t want everything you’ve been drowning to explode in your face latter on.”_

_That was the thing with Lydia. She just knew everything without even having to tell her or even show her. Isak both loved and hated that about her._

_“So what do you suggest? That I deal with them?” Isak asked half laughing with bitterness._

_“I suggest that you talk about them. More specifically, to me.”_

_Isak ran his fingers through his hair and sighted. “I don’t know what’s to say…”_

_“Why don’t you start by telling me what really happen between you and that Thomas guy?” Lydia proposed calmly._

_“Later, I promise. I just… I’m not ready to really talk about it, yeah?”_

_“As you want Isak” Lydia smiled one of her bright smiles. Isak couldn’t help but smile back. She really did have one of those smiles. Sometimes it reminded him of Even, but he always pushed those thoughts away._

_They spent the rest of their break talking about annoying patients, before both going back to their respective jobs._

_\---_

_Few days later, things got too much again. This time though, Isak didn’t keep everything inside, because it all of a sudden felt too hard to hold it in. Because the guy he had brought home the night before hadn’t been able to fuck his thoughts away. Because the alcohol hadn’t fixed him like it had before. Because it was all starting to be too much for his little frail body. Isak ran to Lydia instead and told her everything._

_Lydia listened to him carefully and hugged him tight afterwards. She shushed his tears away and told him everything was going to be alright and honestly, it was all Isak had needed._

_“Thank you” He had mumbled._

_Lydia had hugged him harder at that. “You have to get back up Isak. Don’t let that fucked up guy fuck with your head. Stand for yourself, live your life at the fullest. I know it’s cheesy, but you are so much more than this. You’re going to be so successful and happy one day that you’re going to make that guy damn jealous that he didn’t let himself have what he wanted in life. Trust me Isak, trust me on this.”_

_And Isak had tried. He had tried so damn hard to make everything okay. He had fought with Lydia by his side and never had he felt stronger then with her presence by his side._

_Did things got better? Yes it did._

_Did it stay that way? Of course not. Who the well was he to think he deserved more then what he got?_

____________________________________

After an hour, Isak was still sitting in his bed, arms cross, feeling irritated. Jonas too was still in the chair by Isak’s bed, silently reading.  It was a strange dynamic for them and Isak was not sure he liked it. He could usually have so much fun with Jonas, that feeling so distance didn’t feel quite right. It’s at this moment that Isak realized how long it had been since the last time he really had spent quality time with Jonas. It mostly was his fault since he was away or keeping busy all the time, but still. He missed good times with his best friends. But right now, let’s say he wasn’t in the best kind of mind for catching on lost time with Jonas. He rather felt like being left alone.

“You’re mad at me.” Jonas stated after a while, not looking at Isak.

“No, I’m not.” Isak replied without much emotion, not looking at Jonas either.

“Yes you are.”

“If I tell you I’m not.”

“Isak.” Jonas warned, finally looking at his friend.

“I swear I’m not.” Isak answered annoyed.

“Isak, I know you. I know when you are angry with me and right now you are.”

The silence fell again for a while, before Isak finally resigned, letting out a big sight. “I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?” Jonas said setting his book down.

“Why you called him, out of all people.”

“You mean Even?”

“Of course I mean Even. Who do you think else, the Pope?” Isak bitted back.

Jonas looked at Isak for a moment before answering carefully. He could sense Isak’s frailness at the subject. “Because I had too.” He finally simply answered.

“No. No you didn’t. That’s just stupid excuses.”

“He was the only one who could help.” Jonas tried again.

“You really think he has made a difference since he’s been there? You and the others would have made a fine job without him, let me tell you.”

“Do you really hate him that much?”

“I don’t hate him!” Isak said rising his voice.

“Well then why do you want to send him away so much!” Jonas replied back his voice rising too. He knew he had to stay calm, but for some reason it was getting to him. He didn’t really understand why.

Isak sighted with frustration. “It’s not a question of hating him or not. I just… I don’t want to see him right now. He broke up with me. He’s not in my life anymore. Why, how did you ever think I would want him here?”

“He’s been through depression too. He’s the only one I know who’s ever had. He’s the only one who knew more about it and how to get someone, in this case you, out of it.”

“You’re my best friend Jonas. You’re the one who knows how to get me out of things.” Isak answered back quickly

“And he was your boyfriend for four years.”

“And he broke up with me.”

“You told me it was a mutual break up.”

“Because he decided to move away.”

“And he’s my friend, Isak!” Jonas snapped. “He’s my friend despite being you ex and I needed his help! We all did! Is that a good enough reason for you, or do you need a more accurate one!?”

Isak stopped surprised. Jonas seemed clearly upset and he didn’t quite understand why.

“When I found you…” Jonas started before taking a deep breath, running his hands on his face. “When I found you I panicked, okay? I panicked because I never had seen you like this, because I couldn’t get a word out of you, because I didn’t know what to do or how to help you. And the first person I thought of was Even. So I called him. I called him and it’s the best damn decision I have made Isak, so no, I won’t regret it.”

Jonas answered all in one go and he seemed on the verge of tears. Through all the years Isak had known him, he very rarely seen Jonas like this. And Isak had to admit, he never really had thought of the moment his best friend had found him.

“I’m sorry” Isak said quietly after a moment.

Silence fell again, the air heavy around them. Jonas seemed conflicted. He was clearly hurt. Isak had never thought about it until this moment, but looking at him now, he could see that Isak’s state burdened him. It was a weight for him to carry that Isak felt was starting to be a lot for him. But knowing Jonas, he would ignore that feeling to help his friend, thinking it was his job or something. He would push himself until he brake. Isak could see all of that on his face now, something he should have looked for earlier. Jonas was conflicted between his hurt and the help his friend needed. And he needed a break. So Isak decided on giving him just that.

“I think you should go” He said firmly.

“Magnus’ turn doesn’t start before another few hours.” Jonas mumbled, looking at his book.

“I can be left alone, I don’t mind.”

“I can stay, I don’t mind.” Jonas answered back.

“Jonas.” Isak warned, starting to feel annoyed again. “Please just leave.”

“Isak.” Jonas warned back, deciding on playing Isak’s game too. “I’m not leaving, please let this go.”

“You seem stress and tired, you need some rest.”

“You don’t seem so well yourself. I think I’ll stay here just in case you need something.” Jonas said not paying much more attention to Isak.

“I can take care of myself just fine, thank you.” Isak scoffed.

“No you can’t Isak! Okay? You can’t take care of yourself, because you are full of all these destructive thoughts in your head and if I leave you right now and can’t guarantee in what sate I’ll find you when I come back! So no, I’m NOT leaving. Now please do whatever you want, but stop pushing me away.” Jonas snapped for the second time.

Isak stayed silent for a moment before opting for another tactic.

“I don’t want to be a burden to you.” He whispered faintly.

“You are not a…”

“Yes I am.” Isak cut off. “I am a burden, it’s all over you face. You can sense when I’m angry? Well I can sense when I’m stressing you out, and right now I am.”

“Okay.” Jonas sighted, putting his book aside, before making his way to sit beside Isak on the bed. “Being here right now is not what’s stressing me out, okay? I’m worried about you, yes, but being here or not is not going to change that. Actually, being here helps. You scared me Isak. You scared me when I couldn’t get a reach of you. You scared me when I found you screaming and crying in hysteria in your apartment one night. You scared me when I found you the next morning curled up in bed, eyes glassy, not responding. And you terrified me when you wouldn’t move from that same place in bed for weeks, still not responding. You scare me, but it’s not your fault. You are not doing this on purpose and I know that. I just feel like I could have done more you know? If I had given a bigger effort at staying in contact with you, and checking out on you, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. So being here? It’s me trying to control life, trying to be here in case something happens and your head snaps again. It’s me who doesn’t want to leave you alone. Even warned me about it maybe being too much for you, but honestly? I can’t live with knowing you are alone right now.”

Jonas looked at him deep in the eyes, begging Isak to just understand. And Isak did in a way. He did understand the need of control. So he let it go and let his friend hug him carefully. He let his best friend take comfort in him even though he didn’t feel any comfort inside of himself. He couldn’t feel much these days anyway. But he let it go. He let it go and never asked Jonas to leave again.

**__________________________**

_His talk with Lydia had turned out to be very helpful and relieving.  Lydia wasn’t a nurse for nothing. She was good with people. She knew exactly which button to press to get Isak going with his life again._

_She started by getting him out on sort of dates, but not romantic ones even if they looked like it from an outside eye. She would take him out to eat, then to the movies and to walk in the park. On days when Isak would feel less well or when life got a little bit harder than usual, they would simply lie lazily around in Isak’s apartment watching movies, eating pizza and just enjoy the moment._

_Lydia took it as her mission to change Isak minds from things, entertaining him with jokes and stories from her past. She never mentioned anything to personal, it was mostly fun facts, but Isak still loved listening to her talking. It was nice to lose himself into another person’s world, not having to think about his own._

_Some nights, when they would both be awake in the dark, on the verge of falling asleep, they would dare to ask deeper, more personal questions._

_“Do you have a crush on anyone, right now?” Lydia asked one night._

_“No, why are you asking that?”_

_“What about that Even guy?” She whispered in the dark_

_Isak tensed. He knew she could sense it. “What about him?”_

_“I don’t know.” She took a breath, and then “Do you think your thing with Thomas made you move on?”_

_If Isak was honest, it had done the opposite, but he didn’t know if it was a piece of information he was really whiling to share quite yet._

_“I don’t know.” He simply answered instead._

_“Do you still miss him?”_

_“Who, Thomas?”_

_“No dumbass, Even.”_

_“I don’t know” He answered again._

_The silence fell back letting Isak thoughts fill the void. He did miss Even, and the thing with Thomas had just increased it. He lingered for Even’s light touch and sweet kisses. He wanted more than ever to be held tight by Even’s loving arms. If he thought about it too much, he felt like all his insides were bursting in wild fire. So he just hided it in the most profound place he could find in himself. But right now, in the silent of the night with Lydia by his side, he let himself think about it a little. He realise now that maybe it’s not just Even as the person that he misses, but also the thought of him. He misses being love like Even loved him. Thomas had wounded that part of him and now it was just another whole inside of him that he didn’t know how to fill. Even would know how to fill it and Isak wasn’t sure anyone else ever would. Because Isak wasn’t easy to love and Even had been the only one ever tempting it, but even that had sink. Maybe he was going to be forever alone. Yes, he did have friends like Lydia whom were great, but Isak lingered for another kind of love that he was scared he would never ever have again. Thomas had made it very clear along with all of his other one night stands._

_Lydia broke him out of his thoughts. “I saw her the other day, you know.”_

_“Who?” Isak asked confused._

_“His new girl.”_

_Isak quickly caught on. “You mean your best friend?” He asked more carefully this time._

_“Ex-Best friend.” She corrected him. “She’s the one my fiancé cheated on me for after all.” Lydia said bitterly. She waited a few seconds, letting the tense atmosphere fall back before continuing. “I went back to my hometown to see my parents and I saw her or more like went into the coffee shop I knew she’d be in. I don’t know why I did it. I just wanted to see for myself, you know?”_

_Isak simply stayed silent, knowing to just let Lydia formulate her thoughts out loud._

_“She was wearing that beautiful yellow dress we had bought together a year ago. I had pushed her to buy it, saying it made her eyes shine. She was going to wear it for a date. She didn’t want to tell me much about the guy, because it wasn’t serious enough yet. She was so happy; the guy seemed to make her so god damn happy. Turns out I helped her buy a dress to go on a date with my fiancé.” She said forcing a small fake laugh at the end. “How could I have been so stupid?”_

_“You are not stupid, Lydia, your human. They’re the ones who should be called stupid and awful and disgusting.”_

_“I was stupidly in love.”_

_“Love can do that to a person, yes.” Isak whispered remembering the way Thomas had made him feel before breaking his entire world._

_“Why are people so awful, Isak? Why can they just be like you?” She said scooting closer to Isak._

_Isak putted his arms around her, holding her tight before answering again “I don’t know” because he truly didn’t have a better answer._

_\--_

_Days went on and Isak felt better and better. There was still a whole left inside of him, but he was getting better at ignoring it. He still slept around too, but it didn’t hurt as much as before. It was more part of his routine, than a way to fill the void. He got back in touch with a few of his friends back home and it warmed his heart. He started to realise that he missed them much more than he thought he would. A visit home would be in need very soon._

_Back at work, Isak decided on taking Lydia’s advice and start to stand up for himself more. Every snappy comment from one of his coworkers was followed with a snappy replied from himself. People were actually surprised when he replied which made Isak realise how much he should have done this earlier._

_“It completely shut him out, I’m telling you! I don’t get why.” Isak told Lydia, after telling her how one of the other internes had criticized his stiches skills on a very hyperactive child, after what Isak had pointed out that his own stiches on a woman last week had broken in minutes._

_“You saw that?!” The interned, Nicholas, had said._

_“Of course, I have eyes everywhere.” Isak had answered._

_Lydia laughed through the whole story. “I told you, you should have done this way before especially if that is the respond.”_

_“Ya, I know” Isak simply said back._

_It truly felt good to stand for himself, made him feel more confident. People seemed to like him more afterwards too, hold him higher in their esteem. Some of the interns started to talk to him more, like they suddenly realised he was nice and cool to hang out with._

_“Ditching me for the cool kids?” Lydia had said laughing one day when Isak had eaten with the other interns instead of joining her._

_“Na, you know you’ll always be my favorite.” Isak had winked, laughing too._

_It was kind of a surreal situation for him considering where he had been few months ago, but he was happy about it. Maybe there was a way out after all?_

_\--_

_One day, Lydia was sick, so Isak stayed and spent his break with the other interns. It was comfortable now to talk with them. They didn’t dare to snap at him anymore._

_Isak was quietly eating his sandwich, listening to the conversation the others were having, when the guy Nicholas elbowed him._

_“I think you are being watch.” He said smirking._

_Isak turned around and saw another intern, Max, looking straight at him. He quickly turned his gaze, but not fast enough for Isak to not notice._

_“He’s been looking at you for a while. I think he may like you.” Nicholas told him._

_“You think?” Isak said confused._

_“I’m sure of it. Let’s just say I have my ways of knowing.”_

_“Okay…”_

_Isak was confused. He had never realised that Max was looking at him in anyway, nonetheless that he was gay. He looked pretty straight to Isak, but hey maybe his gaydar wasn’t working so well._

_\--_

_About a week later, Max approached him while he was in line at to buy a coffee._

_“Hey.” He had simply started._

_“Hey…”_

_“Coffee break?” Max asked._

_“Hum, ya…” Isak answered nervously._

_“We should sit together; get to know each other more.” Max simply said back._

_“Sure.”_

_They found a quiet table and sat together for a while, simply talking about patient and insignificant stuff about their current life. Max was a nice guy and the conversation flowed. Isak found himself enjoying it much more than he thought he would. And before he knew it, his mind was hinting him:_ Why not? Why not try it out with Max _._

_Right now Isak didn’t have feelings for the other guy, but he was nice and hot enough for Isak to maybe develop feelings for him. Also, just like Lydia had told him, he desperately needed to move on from both Even and Thomas with someone more than a one night stand. The other guys from his internship kept hinting that Max had feelings for him, so there was already that. With a little effort from his side, things could flow. He could actually see himself in a relationship with someone like him._

_So maybe, maybe he could…_

**__________________________**

Isak and Jonas were still laying together side by side in a comfortable silence. Isak enjoyed moments like this where he didn’t feel pressure to speak. Two people could just think beside one another without any expectation. Isak used to do that with Even a lot when they were together. It had been the first time Isak had experience comfortable silence. It’s not that he couldn’t have done it with Jonas or his other friends, but he had always kind of felt like he needed to fill the silence in order to not let the void take in. Maybe it was his way of not letting the void inside of him grow. Even had shown him the power of silence, how it could hold good things and not just pain. Even had taught him how to fill his void so the silence wouldn’t hurt anymore. Now, the void was back full force and he didn’t know how to fill it anymore. Now, silence was a way to not let the void grow bigger, because talking seemed so much harder. Now, everything was different and Even was gone. Even if he was probably not too far away, he was gone to Isak. He couldn’t go back to him even if it’s all he ever wanted. It was simply too complicated.

He let the thoughts sink in for a bit, before it started to feel like too much and his breathing was becoming heavier. Usually he was able to come back to reality, but right now considering his current state, it was much harder to do. Isak closed his eyes for a moment, trying to settle on something that wouldn’t hurt as much, but everything hurt one way or another. _Even, Thomas, Max…_

And then he knew. He knew what he needed to know.

“Did you always knew I was gay?” Isak asked out loud, surprised at the sound of his own voice breaking the silence.

“What do you mean?”

“Like before I told you that day on the bench, did you know I was gay before that?”

“I guess I had suspicions, but I didn’t know for sure.” Jonas thought for a while before continuing. “I think I knew it, but I didn’t acknowledge it. I knew something was off with you, particularly with girls, but I didn’t face the truth.”

“We’re you sacred of the truth?” Isak asked hesitantly.

“God no, I just…didn’t think too much of it, I guess? I don’t know. It was a long time ago.” Jonas answered.

The silence fell again while Isak gathered his courage to ask his next question.

“Did you… did you think of me differently when you knew for sure?” He said quietly, almost a whispered.

Jonas turned his head to look at Isak, but the other boy just ignored his gaze on him.

“Why are you asking that?”

“Did you?” Isak asked again, this time shooting a quick look at Jonas. He must had seen something in Isak’s eyes, because he answered then without questioning it further.

“No, Isak. No, I didn’t think of you differently and I never would. It doesn’t matter that you are into boys or girls or even both. I really don’t care as long as you’re happy with yourself. And if anyone ever made you feel otherwise? There’re just assholes.”

Isak played with a loose string on his sweater, not looking at Jonas who was gazing straight at him. He just didn’t really know what to say to that.

“You didn’t think of like… I don’t know, taking your distance or something?” He asked instead, not believing quit yet the words of his friends.

“Did I ever act differently around you? Is that what this is about?” Jonas said getting into a sitting position.

“No, it’s just…” Isak didn’t want to continue, didn’t want to venture there. He had just wanted a simply answer, not getting into the mess that was his life right now.  

“Did someone act differently around you?” Jonas asked seriously.

Isak didn’t answer.

“Isak? How did they change? How would someone change?” Jonas said instead, trying to coax a respond out of the other boy.

“I don’t know… Like take your distance, be scared that I’d be inappropriate toward another guy because I’m gay or something.” Isak said feeling his emotions fill him, maybe a little bit too much.

“I’m friends with Noora and Chris and Sana. They are all girls and I’m into girls. Am I inappropriate with them? Was I ever? Are they inappropriate with me because they’re into guys like me?”

“No” Isak responded feeling small, so very small.

“Then it’s the same thing with you. You can be friends with guys without thinking about fucking them just like straight guys can be friends with girls without thinking about them in bed. You can be friends with whoever and hug them all you want and even hold their hands if you want. You can do all that without thinking of them romantically or sexually.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Of course, I’m right.”

“You know I used to have a big crush on you back in first year?”

Jonas laughed. “Really?”

Isak looked at him in the eyes, serious. “It doesn’t disgust you?”

“Isak, it is okay to have crushes on people, even you friends. It makes good stories for later. And again, it could happen to anyone straight or gay. Eva and I were friends before we developed crushes on each other and fell in love. And if we hadn’t fallen in love because one of us didn’t like the other or something, it would have been fine too.”

Isak stayed silent once again.

“I don’t know who made you feel disgusting Isak, but if I ever meet them, I’ll punch them so hard that they would blackout on the first hit, because you are not disgusting. You are my best friend and the loveliest person I know. I love you Isak in a totally platonic way, but I do. I love you and it’s okay.”

Jonas took Isak in his arms. Isak tried to hold himself together, he really tried, but the tears were there before he could stop them. He sobbed into his best friends arm like the miserable person he his. He did remember way to well how he had started to feel disgust towards himself. He remembers the faces of people when they looked at him. He remembers the feeling inside his chest that had made him want to disappear from the planet. He remembered everything all too well…

 _Why me?_ He had thought all too often.

**________________________**

_After Isak told Lydia about Max, she seemed more than excited._

_“Omg, this is your chance! And the perfect one at that! You should totally ask him on a date.”_

_Isak just shrugged beside her._

_“Listen, I don’t know Max a lot, and I never saw how he looks at you, but if he flirts with you, it has to mean something. Plus your brain seemed to have already made the decision for you.” She told him._

_“I don’t know if I’m ready.” Isak simply answered._

_Lydia gave a big sight._

_“Come on Isak, it can’t be that bad. You need to get yourself out there again. Not everyone is a Thomas.” She voiced his thoughts._

_Isak smiled faintly back at her. He so wished she was right. He really, so really hoped._

_\--_

_The next day, Max was waiting alone by the hospital door at the end of his shift. Isak took a big breath and walked to him._

_“Hey.” He started._

_Max shot him a confuse look at first, but ended up smiling back._

_“It was really fun talking to you the other day, you know, when we were having coffee.” Isak said fidgeting on his feet._

_“Ya, it was nice.” Max looked at him, not seeming to quite get it._

_“How about we do it again someday. Maybe, like, tomorrow?”_

_“Oh, uh, ya, okay, why not.”_

_“Good. See you tomorrow then.” Isak smiled at him._

_Max smiled back, still confused and shock. Guess he wasn’t expecting Isak to make a move. Isak didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this? Maybe Max really wasn’t into him? Ugh, Isak really hated his overthinking brain sometimes._

_\--_

_The next day came faster than expected and Isak was nervously waiting in front of the hospital for Max to come out._

_When Max arrived, he greeted him with a big smile. Isak smiled back, still nervous, but desperately trying to shake it off. They walked around for a while before stopping in front of a small cozy coffee shop. It was pretty, but not too fancy. Just perfect._

_They sat down at a table in a calm corner and talked for a bit before ordering some food and drinks._

_“Caramel mochaccino with whipped cream, really?” Max laughed at his order._

_“What it’s good! At least I’m not boring like you with your small black coffee.” Isak exclaimed back._

_Max just continued to laugh, what seemed like a fond smile on his lips. “You’re sweet. Almost as much as your drink.” He said winking. Yes, he did fucking wink and Isak was starting to feel things growing in his chest._

_Everything was comfortable and going so well. Isak was surprised, but also so relieved. By the way Max was flirting with him, it was clear that something was going on his side, plus he was a much more stable guy than Thomas ever was. He was also very nice and cool and knew how to make Isak laugh. Isak genuinely had fun with him and loved spending time like this. He was really happy with where this was going. He could already feel things inside of him, fondness perhaps, growing. He liked the feeling. He liked it very much._

_They finished their coffee, but continued talking until the coffee shop closed. Afterwards, they walked together to Max’s apartment which was only a few blocks away._

_“That’s going to be me.” Max said, stopping in front of a big red door._

_“Tonight was fun.” Isak said back nervously._

_Max let out a small laugh. “Ya, it was.”_

_“Maybe we should do it more often.”_

_“Maybe we should.”_

_Silence fell for a moment, and they just looked at each other. Isak was getting lost in his eyes before his own eyes flickered involuntarily to Max’s lips. He couldn’t help it somehow. His body wanted what it wanted. He wasn’t sure if Max had caught it, but he got closer anyways, feeling a little brave. As Isak was slowly closing the distance, Max just seemed paralysed, but he didn’t push Isak away. Isak took it has nervousness and just decided to go for it. What was the worst thing that could happen, right?_

And oh… How this question was wrong…

_As their lips touch for a small light kiss, Max pushed Isak off with all his force, knocking the blond boy off._

_“What the hell!?!” Max shouted. He was desperately trying to wash his mouth with his sleeve looking completely disgusted. Isak just stood there not knowing what to do._

_“That was gross man! Did you think I was into you or something? What the fuck!” Max said laughing bitterly._

_“I thought… You were flirting with me… You were…” Isak struggled, confused and hurt._

_“Gays can be so gross sometimes, god. It’s not because you’re into guys that everyone is, fag.” Max said before shaking his head in disbelieve and turning around to leave._

_Isak was left alone once again, but this time on the street, feeling just as miserable and alone, so damn alone. Max wasn’t a Thomas no, but he was a Max. And somehow, that was even worst._

_\--_

_The next day, Isak came to work already feeling miserable. He had ignored Lydia’s texts and phone calls all night, which meant she either thought Max and he had spent the night together or that the date had gone horribly wrong. With the look he had, she would guess the lather on the first go._

_He was dragging his feet painfully, when he heard some laughs. Isak turned around and saw the other interns sitting at a table, drinking coffee. He was going to simply ignore them, when he suddenly caught some words._

_“I’m telling you, he just went for it and kiss me hard and passionate like it was a god damn romance movie or something. Fags are so easy to play.”_

_The others laughed at that, while Isak just stood there, his body decomposing on itself._

Why, just why? _He thought._ Why does it always have to fall on me? What have I done to deserve so much hate?

_He went straight back home after that, because he was a weak god damn fag who couldn’t stand up for himself anymore. And he cried. He cried until he just felt empty._

Even, Thomas, Max…

_Love really just wasn’t made for him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I haven't posted in like forever when I clearly said I would every weak... Life just went to hell for a moment and lets say writing as everything else just got harder. But everything is better now so here we go with another chapter. The others should flow more easily even if I don't want to make anymore promises. The only one I can make for sure is that no matter how much time it takes me, I will not forget this story. So don't worry.
> 
> I hope this very long chapter will make up for lost times and that you enjoyed it.  
> As always, you can leave a comment if you feel like it. Feedback would be very appreciated as this is my first published story. Was it too long? Too angsty? Anything is welcomed (just remember I'm human and I have feelings).
> 
> Again, very sorry for the long wait,  
> Alt er love :)


	5. I’ll remember you, always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak faces lost and guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with death, so if you are not comfortable with the subject please be careful.

Today is not a good day, not that Isak had many these days.

The week had past painfully slowly. Isak had seen so many people that it was starting to overwhelm him, but he hadn’t been able to gather enough courage to tell anyone. His friends were already generous enough to look after him that he just couldn’t find it in himself to tell them that even that wasn’t good enough for him.

He hadn’t seen Even in the last week, which meant that Jonas had understood his message: Isak didn’t want to see the older boy. Jonas probably had to put on a fight, because knowing Even, he wouldn’t have gave up this easily. Or maybe he did just give up on Isak. Maybe he was there for Jonas and the boys and not for him. Maybe he had moved on and didn’t care about Isak anymore.

These thoughts just sank him harder. Maybe he had lost Even as a boyfriend before, but thinking of losing him as a friend now just killed him. No matter what, Isak did care for the older boy. He cared for him way to deeply considering that they hadn’t seen each other in forever. Did he look the same? Did he smell the same? Did he sound the same? Isak just couldn’t help but wonder how much he had change while being away.

Suddenly, the sound of an object falling on the ground loudly shook him out of his reverie. Isak then realised that he was alone in his room, which hadn’t happened in forever. He looked around confused and curious about who was in his apartment, but he couldn’t get himself to get up. He groaned loudly instead, filling the silence of the small room.

Few minutes later, someone came through his door.

“Sorry for the noise, man” Magnus said.

“It’s fine.” Isak groaned again from under his covers.

“I wanted to make you some cheese toasts, and Even said it would maybe cheer you up if I put cardamom on one, but I ended up crashing most of the spices on the ground. Ya, I made a pretty big mess, but Even said he would take care of it. He didn’t even look mad. I think he’s bored honestly, not that your place is boring it’s just, you know, it must be boring to just chill around alone all day.”

“Even is here?” Isak cut him through his rambling.

“Ya, he’s like the back up.”

“The back up?”

“Yup, he stays in the house, in case one of us can’t be there or we fall asleep and you decide to walk around or something.” Magnus answers like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Isak didn’t know what to think of this. Did it mean that Even still cared?  Or maybe he was again, there for the boys rather than Isak himself. Thinking that Even had been in his apartment all this time also gave him a weird feeling. The only thing separating them right now was literally his bedroom door. Isak didn’t know how he would react if Even walked through it. He didn’t even know how knowing that he could do that at any moment made him feel.

“Oh my gog, did you see the football match yesterday?” Magnus suddenly burst.

“Hum, no.” Isak answered weakly. “Haven’t been out of my room, really.”

“Oh…” Magnus deflated. “Well it was good, but if you haven’t seen it…”

“You can tell me about it.” Isak decided. Maybe it would be a good distraction.

Magnus looked unsure for a moment, but continued nonetheless his story about the match. Isak enjoyed it for a few minutes, before he zoomed out of focus. His head was elsewhere right now and as much as he wanted to listen to Magnus, he just couldn’t get himself to do so. His mind would drive him into another world, not that this one was better.

**________________________**

_Since the max incident, as it was called by Lydia, Isak went back to the start: He didn’t speak to anyone but Lydia, except if it was for work. He would hear whispers here and there that he just knew were about them and he tried to ignore it as best as he could. He just reached a point where he couldn’t care anymore. People didn’t like him for a reason. Maybe it was simply because he was too different. He didn’t know and anyway, there’s nothing he could really do about it._

_Lydia, as always, was of great help. She had caught him at his worst and had helped him get back up. She had tried her best to make Isak understand that the words of Max and the other interns were those of ignorants and assholes, but as much as Isak wanted to believe it, he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. He couldn’t even get one night stands anymore, because he was scared and grossed with himself. He hated looking at himself like that, but each time he would look at himself in the mirror and try to smile at who he was, the words of Thomas and Max would come back to haunt him and destroy everything he liked about himself. It was just the way it was now. He would get used to it, right?_

_Lydia would still try to remind him from time to time that he was still worth a lot. She didn’t think it changed much, particularly these days, but she tried anyways. Better do it, then having nobody ever telling it to Isak, the guy she held so dearly in her heart. Isak had truly grown on her. She loved him with all her heart and she knew that if the roles were reverse Isak would do anything for her. So she did everything for Isak._

_One night, they were lying around in Isak’s apartment, simply enjoying the quiet of the night, when Isak suddenly asked Lydia. “How was your childhood?”_

_The girl laughed quietly. “Why the sudden question?”_

_“I don’t know. You never talk about you. Sometimes I wonder if you’re not just an imaginary friend from my imagination.” Isak teased._

_“My life just wasn’t that great. That’s why we don’t talk about it.”_

_“And mine was epic? I’m sure yours is fine really.”_

_“Fine.” Lydia resigned. “My childhood was just boring. I had everything someone would want. A nice perfect family, with parents that loved each other, a cute dog, two cats and we all lived in a big beautiful house with an amazing garden. We even had a pool. I had almost everything I wanted, food on the table and whatever. I went to a good school too. I wasn’t too popular, but I wasn’t a looser either. I had good friends that I could have a good laugh with and just the right amount of drama. Life was perfect.”_

_“I feel like there’s a “but” to this story.” Isak said after a few quiet seconds._

_Lydia sighted. “There is, sadly there is, but I never understood why. I had everything, yet I was unhappy. I didn’t feel good in my own skin and I felt like everything I had was fake: my perfect family, my friends, just everything. I realise today that I was right.”_

_“How so?” Isak pushed._

_“I…My parents were really arguing all the time, my friends weren’t really my friends and they stopped talking to me as soon as we stopped going to the same school. I just didn’t realise any of it. Like… like it was hiding from me or… maybe I didn’t want to see. I don’t really know. I just know that everything fell apart at some point and I realised then that my life had been a big lie.” Lydia said struggling a little to find the right words._

_“But, you still seemed to have some stuff before you came here; like you talk sometimes about some friends and then you ex fiancé.”_

_After Lydia simply stayed silent, Isak quickly added: “I’m sorry if I’m asking too much questions. We can stop if you want too.”_

_“No it’s okay. I think it’s a good thing to talk about it, it’s just hard.” Lydia answered._

_She then took a big breath before continuing. “My mom was the one to set me up with most of my surroundings. She presented me to the daughter of a friend which was Jessica who became my best and pretty much only friend. My mom then presented me to a new neighbour who would come work in the garden with her. He finally became my boyfriend and later my fiancé. I knew only two people very well then: Jessica and Alex. I would hang out with both of them, ignorant to the fact that they bonded much more than they should have. You know the rest.”_

_“Did your mother feel guilty for matching you with people who hurt you this bad?”_

_Lydia laughed flatly. “She said it was my fault for not knowing how to keep people in my life close. Funny that she says that when my dad left her and she lost all their common friends as they rather chose my dad.”_

_“That’s fucked up.” Isak simply answered._

_“Every family have their fuck ups. These are just mine. I’m sure you have some too.”_

_“Oh don’t worry, I have my fair share of fuck ups too.” Isak answered quickly thinking back to his family life that he had escaped early in life._

_Silence fell between them as Isak thought over what Lydia had just said._

_“That’s why you left everything and came here without a second thought. You don’t have anything left over there.”_

_“Yes.” Lydia simply said. “Is it why you left too?” She then asked._

_“Not really. I still have good friends there. I was really just escaping my break up.”_

_“What about your family?”_

_“I don’t have a very good relationship with them. My mother is mentally ill, which was hard to grow up with. I didn’t understand her very much. My father was just an asshole who left her. I say asshole, but I left her too so, who’s the asshole now.” Isak answered sadly._

_“You never reconnected?”_

_“I tried a little. I talk with them once in a while. My mother lives with her sister now, so she’s being taken care of. My father as moved to Bergen or something and we talk once in a while, but it’s never really deep.”_

_“Ah family. We love them, but god they can be pain in the ass sometimes.” Lydia said sighting deeply._

_“Yes, but we love them.” Isak said back, because it was true. Maybe his parents had made his life harder, but they were still his parents. And they hadn’t been all bad. They had been good memories that Isak wouldn’t give up for the world._

_Lydia and Isak both fell asleep a while later, both holding on the best memories of their childhood that they missed despite everything._

_\--_

_It was about three in the morning when Isak received a phone call waking then both awake. It was an unknown number that Isak decided to answer just in case it was important._

_“Hello.” He said grumpily in the phone._

_“Isak?” a female voice answered. Isak stiffened. It was his aunt._

_“It’s your mother dear. I’m sorry, but she’s not okay. She had this big episode that I couldn’t bring her down from. She got outside and next time I found her she was held at the police station. She’s being held at the hospital right now.” Her aunt cried into his ear._

_Isak was panicking. What the hell had happen? What was he supposed to do? He hadn’t had to deal with his mother in so long that he thought he would never have to worry about that kind of stuff anymore._

_“Isak? Do you think you could come? I think she needs you. I need you. I can’t do this alone.” His aunt said._

_“Okay.” Isak answered when he found his voice back. “I’ll see what I can do.”_

_“Thanks love. I’ll wait for you. Just come as soon as possible, please.” His aunt pleaded. She truly sounded desperate._

_“Ya, don’t worry.”_

_“See you then, Isak.”_

_“See you.”_

_Isak hanged up, letting his phone slip form his hand._

_“What was it?” Lydia asked sleepily._

_“I don’t know.” Isak voice was small, so small. Lydia just knew._

_“Isak talk to me.” She said taking him into her arms. Isak just fell on her shoulder not even finding any tears to cry._

_“Isak, please.” Lydia tried again. “Don’t shut me out.”_

_“My mom… she… she’s not okay…”Isak simply said. He could feel a lump growing into his throat._

_“What happen?”_

_“I don’t know… Some kind of big episode… I don’t know…”His heart was closing on itself, like a hand was squeezing all the life out of it._

_“Oh Isak I’m sorry.” Lydia said holding him tighter._

_“I have to go see her… I don’t know… I don’t know how she’s going to be…” The emotion in him was growing. It was growing too big for his body._

_“I wish I could do something, Isak. I really wish.”_

_“I’m scared Lydia. I’m so damn scared all the time and I’m so tired of everything.” His eyes were watering he could feel it, but he didn’t want to give in. No he didn’t want to cry. No he had to fight, to be strong, to not fall apart._

_“I know Isak.” Lydia simply said, not really knowing what to do next._

_“Why can’t things be good for one second? Why does everything always have to fall apart? Why me Lydia? Why is it always me?” Isak fought, but it was just too much. When the first sob pushed out of him, he couldn’t hold anything anymore. He just cried everything he had in himself while Lydia held him as best she could._

_“We’ll figure it out Isak I promise. As long as you have me, you’ll be fine.” She whispered into his ear, shushing his tears away. “It’ll be alright. We’ll do our best together Isak.”_

_They stayed like that for all the time it took to drain Isak of his emotions. He then lied awake all night wondering what would happen next. He didn’t know what would wait for him when he’d get back home. Anything could happen from there and it terrified him in the most profound of his heart._

_That night, staring at the sealing in the dark, he found himself lingering for Even more than ever._

He would know what to do.

**_______________________**

Magnus was a good distraction. Even though Isak’s mind kept drifting off, Isak liked hearing Magnus’s stories. Magnus just had a way of just being there and not pressuring Isak. He was blunt and honest and would say things without any hesitation. In other words, he didn’t treat Isak with gloves or with pity. He did his thing and was there if Isak needed anything. And most of all, he cared deeply for Isak. He did things for him without even having to think about it and rarely took offence when Isak declined his help. He just let Isak go at his own rhythm. Isak was so grateful for him.

Considering he wasn’t feeling so well, Isak was happy that Magnus was the one to be around. The boy’s stories were more than appreciated on this day.

Suddenly, Isak realised that the room had gone silent. He turned around slowly to look in Magnus’s direction. He was on his phone, typing with a big frown on his face.

“Who are you texting?” Isak asked.

“Hum, my mom.” Magnus simply answered without looking up. He then pushed his phone aside to look back at Isak.

“She had that massive episode last week and she’s trying to get out of her depress mind, but it’s harder than usual. She hasn’t eaten in a while and my dad is not able to get through to her. She’ll probably have to go to the doctor, but that is if were able to get her out of bed and that’s another story. Anyways, you know how it is, with Even and all.” Magnus said sadly.

Isak just listened carefully. He did know how hard it could be, even if it had been a while since he last had to care about Even in that way.

“How is your mom? I haven’t heard about her in a while.” Magnus suddenly asked.

Isak tensed. “Hum… I… I don’t really know.” He simply tried to answer. “Haven’t seen her in a while.”

“You should go see her when you’re better. No matter what a mom is a mom and it’s the day that something happens that you regret it for your whole life.”

Isak just shook his head.

“Did Vilde talked to you about her mom?”

In front of the lack of response from Isak, Magnus just continued.

“Anyways, she has depression and Vilde took care of her most of her life, hiding it from everyone. She became so opened about it recently, telling all of us and asking for support. I’m so proud of her for that. It’s awesome how she’s proud of her mom and loves her despite everything she made her go through. I say that, but my mom is mentally ill too and I claim her as the most awesome person in the world. Moms are just the best no matter what.”

Isak just nodded again, not knowing how to respond. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Vilde and his mom, his thoughts were just elsewhere. He just wanted a change of subject. He couldn’t think of mothers anymore.

“She was of great help Vilde when we found you, you know? She was acting all professional and all. I think she should become a social worker or something, but she’s not sure about it yet. I don’t know why. She would be so awesome.” Magnus continued lost in his head.

Beside him a storm had started in Isak’s head. He didn’t know how to explain, how to say the words he was meant to say. He was panicking inside, but trying his best to keep a straight face. Magnus just kept talking, oblivious to what was going on behind Isak’s eyes.

Isak just forced himself to listen, hands clasped tightly to keep them from shacking. He couldn’t help the thoughts that emerged into his mind; horrible ones, ones that he wished to forget, but knew would follow him everywhere for the rest of his life.

**_______________________**

_Isak got on a plane the next evening to Oslo in hope of finding his mother in an okay state if that was even possible. He didn’t know the details on her last episode, just knew that it had mess his aunt up._

_Isak’s aunt, Talia, had been taking care of Marianne for a while now. When both Isak and his father had left, she had taken over in hope of reconnecting with her younger sister. Marianne wasn’t easy to deal with, but Talia clearly cared for her and she had had time to travel and live her life before coming to take care of her sister, something both Isak and his father hadn’t had a chance to do. Talia was the perfect person to take care of Marianne._

_Isak always thought of her as strong and unbreakable. He hadn’t seen her much often, mostly on holidays and special occasions. She traveled so much that he hardly spent real time with her. She was however the person who would always stand up to people particularly when it came to Marianne. She didn’t have any husband, and lived her life freely doing almost whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Isak never even knew what she did in life really. Everything about her screamed strong and independent even if it was mostly a mystery._

_The day before, on the phone, was the first time Isak had heard her cry. He didn’t even think it was possible for her to break down, particularly after everything his mother had made her go through in the last years. She had always handled things so well; Isak had never thought he would ever have to intervene again. But Marianne was Talia’s sister after all. She did have a soft side for her sister that would affect her more than other things. Maybe things weren’t as bad as they sounded on the phone? Isak hoped, he really hoped, but he had a bad feeling about this one. He just couldn’t ignore it._

_When he landed he took his time to stop by a hotel and reserve for a few nights. He then dropped his stuff and lied on the bed for a while._

_It was weird being in Oslo. He always thought that the next time he would come back he would have everything figured out again; that he would be okay with starting fresh in the city of his childhood and that he would be happy to see his friends again. He imagined everything as a big party. Things were different though. They never exactly seemed to be as he had planned them, really. His life was just a complete mess right now and even the thought of seeing his friends made him nauseous. He didn’t want them to see him like things. It would hurt them too much. It would hurt him too much._

_Isak lied there on the bed of a cheap hotel, for a few hours, before finally deciding on moving. He had about a thousand missed calls from Lydia, doctors and his aunt. He just couldn’t deal with them right now. All he had to do was see his mother. Then he would know what to do next. Then he would be able to evaluate the situation and determine if it was worth it to panic. He was just scared that he had a reason to…_

_\--_

_“Isak!” His aunt greeted him, relief all over her face._

_Isak hugged her loosely, trying his best to not let his anxiety transpire._

_“Your mom is in the next room. I think she has been waiting for you.” She then said smiling a fake forced smile that gave shivers to the young boy._

_Isak stepped carefully into the room, looking around to the white walls until finally his gaze fixed on his mamma._

_She was laid on the bed, looking at the sealing not even noticing Isak’s presence. As he approached he could see the strains on to the bed that meant that they had to attach her to the bed when Marianne had come in. It was enough to stop Isak from breathing for a moment._

_“Mamma?” Isak tried quietly._

_She turned her head and smiled lightly at him._

_Tears were already filling his eyes at the sight of his mother like this. She looked so vulnerable, so small, so fragile. He approached her slowly and took place beside her bed, taking her hand in his._

_“My baby.” She mouth, no sound coming out, barely a breath._

_A tear fell from his eyes and then a second and Isak just couldn’t stop them from falling after that. He just sobbed on his mother’s hand opening himself all up, repeating over and over again how sorry he was._

_And then he heard a soft sound; a small humming, barely perceptible. Isak looked up to his mother and saw her lips moving slightly. She was singing. She was singing to him his childhood lullaby. It was one of her invention and every time Isak couldn’t sleep as a little child or that he wasn’t feeling well, she would sing it to him, rocking him back and forth. Isak knew it like the back of his hand. He hadn’t heard it in so long…_

_He closed his eyes loosing himself in the memories with his mother’s hand tightly held in his, the soft comforting sound of his mother’s voice calming him instantly._

_“I love you, Isak, always.” She whispered after finishing the last verse._

_Isak opened his still teary eyes and locked sight with her, taking her in. He didn’t know how, but he knew, just like his mother knew. He had known the moment that he had come in and he knew it even more now. It was a strange feeling to explain, but it was there pocking at his mind showing him the hard truth. He just couldn’t ignore it. Life was a very strange thing, from its beginning till its end. He was just thankful for this last moment with his mother, no matter how much it hurted him._

_God he wanted so much more. It was selfish of him to think that, he knew it. He was the one that had left after all. His mother had always reached out to him and he had always pushed her away. She had her difficult moments, and she was exhausting sometimes, but everyone was at some point, right? It wasn’t a reason to leave, so why had he leaved? Why hadn’t he stayed? He hated himself so much in that moment. But he pushed all his bad feelings aside for now and stayed in the moment with his mother sending her all the love and positivity he could. She needed to know he loved her at least. She needed to understand that he still cared, that he wasn’t going anywhere now that he was there. He would never leave again. Never._

_“I promise, mamma. I promise.”_

_\--_

_Isak stayed by his mother’s side for days, never leaving her side, holding her hands through harder times. He could see her suffering. She wouldn’t eat or sleep. Her mind was playing tricks on her and she was paranoid of everything. The doctors tried all kind of medicine and treatments, but she responded to none. She rejected anything that would enter her. Her body was letting itself die; it was letting her mind kill her. It was killing Isak in returned. But just like he promised, he wasn’t going to leave. So he stayed. Isak stayed through everything barring his mother’s pain on his shoulder, hoping for a painless death. It was crazy to want someone you love to die, but in the state that Marianne was, he just didn’t want her to suffer anymore and there was only one way for that._

_Isak wanted more time, don’t get him wrong, but the truth was that there wasn’t any more time. It was just a question of a few moments before it was all over. As much as the doctors wouldn’t give up, they all knew it too. Everyone knew and waited. They all waited for the big moment, for the big crash._

_It scared Isak to death to even think that far. But it was so close. It was coming so soon…_

_\--_

_It happened five days later. It was quick, simple, painless. Everything Isak had hoped for. It didn’t hurt less. Isak still sobbed into his mother’s dead body, before he didn’t have a choice to let go. And then everything went numb._

_She was gone… How could that even be real?_

**___________________________ **

“Isak? Isak!” a voice shook the young boy awake, out of his eating thoughts.

“Is everything alright?” The voice asks. Isak couldn’t really determine who’s as all his body seemed to be buzzing alongside his mind.

“Isak?” the voice shakes him one more time.

It seems to snap something in him as he could finally recognize Magnus features in front of him. He could suddenly feel his body shake, his whole body switching from hot and cold and his eyes wet.

 _Not another panic attack_ , Isak thought to himself as he tried to focus.

“Okay, I’m not sure how to handle those really, but just focus on me, okay? Your friend Magnus? The cool one? Remember?”

Isak tried to nod, but he’s not sure it’s really perceptible.

“Okay, Isak I need you to breath too. Look, feel my heart.” Magnus said next, placing Isak’s hand on his chest.

“Listen, all I know about this is what they do in movies and honestly I’m not sure how legit it is. In one the girl even kissed the guy to get him out of it. Obviously I’m not going to kiss you, but you get my point. I can also tell you all about how you’re a great friend and I love you and I’m there for you, but I never quite understood how that could help either. God I’m useless.” Magnus rambled.

Isak tried his best to come back, to let his thoughts go, to just focus, but on what?

“Okay, we’ll try something else. Favorite movie? Come on Isak, what’s your favorite movie character?”

Really? He wanted him to think about that right now? How was that relevant? Isak tried to say he didn’t know, but nothing more than a grumbled got out of his body.

“Come on Isak? Okay, what’s that movie you and Even used to watch all the time together? Romeo + Juliette right? Ya, I know, sorry, but it’s the only one I can think of right now. So the movie, I’ll guess you were more keen on Romeo right? So what would Romeo be doing right now? Imagine him right now in whatever world he lives in. What does he look like, sound like, feel like? Concentrate on him.”

It sounded ridiculous, but might as well try it. Isak closed his eyes, pushing his mind, finding the image of DiCaprio playing Romeo in his head. He pictured every centimeter of his being, than painted the world behind him and finally Juliette walking towards him smiling. He imagined the whole scenario as clearly as possible until his heartbeat decreased and he could finally breathe again. Only when he felt completely grounded did he lift his head to look at a very scared Magnus in front of him. Only then did the thoughts in mind organised themselves enough. Only then did the sound of his voice finally echo the ugly truth; the one he never really accepted.

“She’s gone Magnus, she’s gone.”

**________________________**

_The funerals were simple and rather quick. Everybody was still shook form the past weeks and not a great amount of people came anyways; just close family and a few family, friends and doctors. Isak had been meant to do a speech, but he hadn’t found anything right to say. Actually he had. He had even written a few words on paper, but it didn’t feel right to say it out loud. It was too real, to true; it hurted too much. But he still wanted his mother to know. So he wrote it on paper and hid it beside his mother under the ground. Maybe she would read it if whatever came after life allowed it._

_Isak had thought that that would be it. That his mother would be gone, but that he would grieve her and that having left her a message explaining everything that he would find peace eventually. Reality is so damn much harder than this._

_Guilt was eating at him, killing him from the inside from the moment he left that grave and just grew bigger with each step he took out of Olso, far from his old home. Was it even really home anymore? Can a place be a home without a mother near it? Maybe, maybe not. One thing was certain; it would never be the same ever again. And as Isak took his finally step out of Oslo he just knew he had lost the most precious thing in his life and it was_ all his fault _._

I should’ve been there _._

**___________________________ **

“I should’ve been there” Isak shuttered, his head heavily resting on his friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sure you did everything you could Isak.” Magnus simply tried to reason.

“No, you don’t understand. I _left_ her. I _despised_ her. I _hated_ her for so long. But all this time I _really loved_ her. I love her, but now she’s gone.”

“Who’s gone Isak?” Magnus tried himself. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of the answer, but he had to ask anyways.

Silence took over for a while; Isak trying his best to form the words in his head.

“My mom…she’s dead.”

Magnus just gasped. “It’s alright Isak. It’s alright.” Magnus held him harder trying to figure out what to say next. “You want me to tell you something about mothers, Isak? They have super powers, mother powers, and even your mom had them. They see and know everything no matter how hard you try to hide it. You don’t have to tell them, they just _know_. Your mother knew you loved her Isak. She knew it and she knew why you had to leave. She let you go all those years ago, because she knew that you weren’t leaving because you didn’t love her, but because you loved her too much. She knew you needed to be free. She knew Isak. I swear that she knew everything.”

Isak let the tears slip free form his eyes as he turned Magnus’ words inside his head. All he could think about was his letter. He remembered every last words of it. Did she really know? Did she know about every single word Isak wrote on that bear piece of paper? He hoped. Here in the silence of his room, being rocked back and forth by one of his best friend juts like his mother used to do when he was a little scared child, all he did was hoped she really did know.

**_________________________**

_Dear mamma,_

_I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but if you do please believe me when I say all of this as it is truer than anything else in the world right now._

_I love you._

_I know it seems crazy. Why would your son who left you alone years ago love you? But I do mamma, more than anything else in the world. The truth is I was scared. I was so damn scared and it made me a coward. I didn’t know how to help you, how to handle you. Sometimes you would look at me like I was the most precious thing in the world and it would fill me in with too much love for what I felt like I deserved at that time. I was trying to understand what being gay meant and that scared me even more. I hated myself for who I was back then. And then other times, you would look like me like a sin, like I was a virus of some sort that you had to clean out. And I would think: Maybe I am a virus? Maybe I am bad for this world and mostly to you? It wasn’t like I was very useful in your life. I was only one more thing you had to care for instead of your own health. Maybe I even was the thing to drive you off the edge all those years ago._

_Aunt Talia keeps telling me that it’s not what happened, but I don’t know what to think. I hated to see you like this and I can’t help thinking that I wasn’t helping much. But you always loved me mamma. In despite of everything I’ve put you through, all the child’s crises, you never stopped loving me. And I love you even more for it._

_What you need to understand is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not having been better while I still could. I’m sorry for putting you true hard moments that you clearly didn’t need. I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry for not showing you I loved you enough. Because I did mamma, oh I did…_

_I hope that whatever you find after this is better than what you got in this life, because you deserve every good thing after everything you’ve been through. I will keep you in my heart as the strong loving courageous mother and person that you were and I’ll never forget you, even for a second._

_And finally, because I’m not scared of it anymore: I’ll never stop loving you mamma. I’ll always hold you dearly in my heart._

_I love you to the moon and back, and after that, and after that, and even a little further after that,_

_Forever and always,_

_I promise,_

_Your loving son, Isak_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers! This is so angsty and it seems to get worst everytime I sit down to write. Hope you still liked it... Haha  
> I want to thank everyone who left kudos and comments on this story. I know I don't always reply, but they are more then appreciated. They truly keep me going, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
> Don't be scared to leave some on this chapter too, I'm always open for your thoughts and fears and of course your feedback. I read them with a lot of attention, I promise.  
> Next chapter we'll hear more about Even, so... be prepared!  
> Alt er love!


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